An Ode to POD

It has been brought to my attention that a portion of my reading public would like some more information on the Princess of Darkness (aka POD). A few readers have expressed an interest on knowing a tad more about the lovely POD – specifically the hows, the whats and the “for the love of all that’s holy, please tell me you’re making that up” information. I tend to forget that you are not all my family and bosom companions so you don’t get the endless amounts of spewing I put forth on the subject of POD (shoutout to Fat Baby’s Mama, Kitty and Cowboy Dan for their endless patience on this topic). That being said, a lot of this will probably be old/boring news to you so please bear with me.

POD is my 15-year-old sister. And no, we don’t have any other siblings. After many years of exciting and fruitless infertility treatments, Capt Nutty and her Consort (also known as my stepfather) decided to adopt. POD arrived when I was home during my spring break from college at the ripe old age of 20 (you read correctly – she is 20 years younger than me). I spent every college vacation from that point on heading home to spend time with POD (who happened to be the cutest baby ever born). After college and law school, I moved up to Chicago to be closer to the family and specifically POD. I have lived within a few blocks of POD since she was 5 (up until the time I uprooted and moved back to Atlanta last year). POD was always an interesting child – very stubborn and highly imaginative. She also happens to look a lot (and I mean, A LOT) like me (see above the “cutest baby ever” comment).

Anyhoooo, time went by and Capt Nutty came into the period we like to call “The Nuttiness that Shall Never End” and POD entered the “I Am a Crazy Teenager” stage. Throw in a couple of gothic tendencies and general lack of common sense and you’ve got yourself a fine mess. Well, being the only sane member of my family, it was decided that POD would do better living with me for a bit. Sooooooo, much to the POD’s dismay, she was shipped down here last December to go to school. It’s been good for POD and I like having her here (most of the time – I mean, hell, I haven’t killed her so we have to consider this a “win”).

So, I submit the following so that you, gentle reader, can get the full POD experience:

• When she was about 5, Capt Nutty would drop POD off at the old country club for swim team practice. Capt Nutty shows up at the first meet and everyone is cheering on POD, yelling “Go Gadget! Go Gadget!”. Capt Nutty asks, “Excuse me, who is Gadget?”. Other parent says, “Why, your daughter of course!”. POD had told everyone her name was Gadget (named after a Rescue Ranger) and she would only answer to Gadget. (Don’t even get me started on how stupid these other parents were)
• When she was 3, she insisted on wearing dresses but refused to wear underwear. It was an interesting year on the playground.
• POD went through a period where she thought she was a cat. Now, I’m not saying she occasionally meowed and such, I’m saying she went through a three month period where she did nothing BUT meow and walk around on all fours.
• Every card sent to me from Mandy for about 3 years was signed as “Sabrina, the teenage witch”.
• After seeing the Hunchback from Notre Dame (the Disney version), she stood in the driveway offering to dance for strangers that were passing by (just like the ‘ho in the movie). But by far the best part was the fact that she had drawn a large wheelchair on the driveway with sidewalk chalk and wrote “Handicapped Welcome”. (I’m sorry but this one still cracks me up)
• In second grade, she told her teacher she didn’t need to learn fractions because she wasn’t planning to come back next year. She said she knew how to read and that was all she needed from school.

As a teen:

• She is completely obsessed with the Rocky Horror Picture Show and all things Lord of the Rings.
• She smoked pot in the driveway of our house – never once did it occur to her that our parents might actually look out the window and catch her.
• I won’t even go into her fascination with the Insane Clown Posse.
• She has no idea that I read all of her instant messages - even when I flat out ask her about something I learned from sneaking behind her back.
  
• She thinks she has been hired by an under 18 club in Chicago to work this summer. Riiiiggghhhttt….cause clubs routinely hire 15 year old girls to work security.

I will be leaving on Thursday to take POD home for the summer. I will be gone about a week and will return POD-less but probably worlds more insane for having spent a week with my mother. May God have mercy on my soul.