Saturday, November 26, 2005

Sausage In Your Stuffing? Just Say No

*Am I the only who giggles upon reading "sausage in your stuffing? I hear Beavis laughing every time.

So it's the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I'm working due to my "absolutely will not work on Friday after Thanksgiving"....that'll learn 'em.

I have visited the office bathroom a grand total of 4 times due to some mild intestinal distress. FOUR TIMES! IN TWO HOURS! I'm rather proud. Since I cooked Thanksgiving dinner, I hope I haven't killed anyone.

Turkeys are supposed to bleed a little bit when you cut into them, right? Right? more sausage in my stuffing (Beavis: "huh...huh....she said "sausage").

More than you wanted to know? Perhaps. More than I felt like sharing? Not so much.

Happy Trichonosis to all!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Stuff THAT In Your Turkey

So maybe I'm a little thankful but perhaps I'm not really thankful for anything and those who think I should be can kiss my cranberry-hating ass.

I'm thankful that I have clients BUT...

I'm not thankful that my last client wanted to know if she could put off her appointment because she had a mystery shopping gig at Hooter's....I kid you not, people. I was beat out by a pair of oversized mammary glands and a chick in panty hose and shorts.

I'm not thankful for the client who just called and asked my legal assistant if I was expecting her to bring in any money for her appointment. Of course not! How silly! I work for free! Keep your money! My mortgage company HATES getting paid on time!

I'm not thankful for the client's psycho wife who called me five times last night on my cell phone. Hey, bitch, I DON'T REPRESENT YOU! And here's a suggestion....when you fax me, you can fax me the whole document, you DO NOT have to fax it one page at at time, you flaming moron!

I am thankful for the POD...BUT.....

I'm not thankful for her little friends who show up in the driveway at 1 am to drop off a porn movie for POD. And yes, it was a "chick flick".

I'm not thankful for her inviting some little friends into the house while I'm not home to do god knows what. I'm fitting her with a chastity belt as we speak.

I am thankful for family....BUT....

Okay, I simply take that one back - not thankful at all. I would like to move to an isolated cabin in Idaho and do my best Unabomber impression.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Have You Ever?

As usual, my lame ass writing technique comes to the rescue of yet another lame ass post. But I suppose lame ass is better than no ass post...

Soooooo....HAVE YOU EVER...

- scratched your ass crack a tad too aggressively and caused some sort of skin separating injury in your cavern?

- decided that if your own personal Captain Nutty NEVER EVER came to see you again, that it still wouldn't be enough to make up for the times she DID visit?

- thought that if you moved out to the boondocks, you would be attacked by lumberjack, flannel loving rednecks with dubious tooth counts and wouldn't be able to find a bar that didn't play country music?

- felt like telling POD's teachers to kiss your dimpled ass and that the daily phone calls reporting her "lack of particpation" are getting to be a bit much? (Here's a hint - YOU'RE THE FUCKING TEACHERS! I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO! YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING DEGREE - USE IT!)

- been on your way to court to represent a drunken stripper for her d.u.i. and had to stop at the local Hardee's for an intestinal emergency?

- after visiting said Hardee's felt really bad cause you knew that what you did to that bathroom was going to cause some minimum wage Hardee's employee to have a really, really bad day?

- wanted to tell the POD that "sure, your guy friends can spend the night" cause they're ALL gay?

- thought that if you were in court nearly as much as you lead your clients to believe, that you might actually be half the attorney they seem to think you are?

- wondered if they could actually arrest you for malpractice? (Now for all my clients who are reading this - don't panic - I'm not committing malpractice - I just tend to freak over some things BUT NOT YOUR CASE - YOUR CASE IS FINE!!!)

- missed Macek really, really bad and worry that the last thing you told him was that you pissed in Lake Lanier?

- wondered if the stretch marks on your ass would eventually join together to make some sort of pattern that you could pass off as an art deco tattoo?

- thought that beer can make everything alright but if it doesn't, you'll be too drunk to give a shit?

- thought "gee, I have nothing cohesive to blog about" but then patted yourself on the back for using the word "cohesive" in your own head?

- wondered if Captain Nutty found your vibrator while snooping through your dresser?

- hoped Captain Nutty found your vibrator while snooping through your dresser? Such a find will send her to church at least 4 days a week to pray for my depraved soul.

- thought that stringing together a bunch of paranoid ramblings might spark the old creative juices?

- chuckled upon hearing "creative juices" and said in your best Beavis and Butthead voice "huh...huh...she said JUICES"? neither.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Permanent Damage?

So I survived CAPTAIN NUTTY '05 but just barely. Thought I had made it through relatively unscathed until last night.

I'm sound asleep. As far as I can tell, not really dreaming. Suddenly, I'm wide awake and one word comes into my head.

Let me clarify - no images, no sounds, just one word. One word that now has me questioning my sanity because no one really just out of the blue thinks of this word without any type of context. And as far as I can remember, there was NO context.

What word you may ask?


That's right LABIA. I wake up in the middle of the night with a part of the female genitalia on my mind. (And no, NONE of you should google "labia" right now - trust me).

So what the hell does this mean? Who does this? What sort of damage has been done that makes me think of that word in the middle of the night? Couldn't it at least have been "van defrens" or something masculine? Like gonad? Or taint? Or nutsack? Or ballcheese?


Will now be upping the nightly Tylenol PM intake to 2 tablets every night.