Tuesday, September 27, 2005

A Tuesday Manifesto

I do hereby proclaim the following to be the tenets upon which I base my moral certainty:

I believe that whoever decided all fat people were tall and therefore made all fat jeans an entire 12 inches too long for the vertically challenged but horizontally endowed should be hung up by his pubic hairs and the object of much ridicule for his fat but woefully short penis. How's them apples, asswipe.

I believe that the Governor of Georgia should be horsewhipped for declaring two days off of school for an anticipated but not occuring gas shortage.

I believe the POD's school should be reduced to rubble for not following such boneheaded edict and forcing me to rise at 6 am in order to cart the POD to the only school open in this damn state.

I belive that if you are stupid, I should be able to charge you double for all legal work and still be able to call you names behind your back. If you let me call you names to your face, I will charge three times as much cause you're probably too stupid to know that three is more than two.

I believe that if a woman is to be President of these here United States, she should not have horse teeth and she most certainly should not be 7 feet tall and look like Geena Davis (who if you notice, doesn't even know how to spell the name Gina correctly).

I believe that if you are my client and you call me on my cell phone more than once a month, I have the right to intentionally throw your case and send your statutory rapist kid to jail. (And guess what, moron? By saying you had sex with 12 year old, you're already guilty - the fact that she recanted don't mean diddly, dumbass)

I believe that even though the world at large believes Captain Nutty's nuttiness will be cured through via a knee replacement, I know better. I know the nuttiness shall continue to bloom and blossom until eventually she puts either POD or me up in a bell tower with an automatic rifle.

I believe that if the POD doesn't learn her basic Biology facts that I will staple her damn flashcards to the back of her hands.

I believe that if the POD utters the word "whatever" one more time, I will staple things to her regardless of her knowledge of Biology.

I believe it should NOT be 85 freaking degrees in the last week of September.

I believe I will wear my boots even though my ankles are sweating cause I can make fall come if I try hard enough.

I believe in slapping other people's children - especially in grocery stores.

I beleive I should stop writing this before I burst a blood vessel in my head.

Okay, I feel better now.

Monday, September 26, 2005

*Tap, Tap*....Is This Thing On?

Okay, I'm here. Still kicking. Didn't mean to ignore you my precious, precious gentle readers but life has been moving.

Probably shouldn't bore you with all the gory details but here are the highlights -

1. Floyd 1, Crack Whores 0
Dear Crack Whore,

I'm your Baby's Daddy's Attorney or as you like to call me "that white bitch trying to take your baby". Well, guess what? This white bitch won and despite your efforts to drag this all the way to the Supreme Court, you got the smack down. Despite your attempts to portray my client the MINISTER as a convicted murderer, the judge STILL thought your kid was better off with him then with your skanked out ass. So wail and moan all you want but if this white bitch had her way, I would be taking your other kids from you as well.

Superlitigator Floyd

2. POD Patrol
The POD has decided that Biology is not necessary information for her in this world (and no, don't ask me what this means in regards to the reproduction section - I'm lobbying congress for forced contraception any day now). POD has failed to fully conceptualize that the failure of Biology means NO LEAD IN SCHOOL PLAY which makes Floyd fairly spastic with worry. So many, many tv hours have been devoted to harassing the POD about her study habits. And for those of you aware of the fact that I failed Biology in my day, you are correct in assuming that this is a case of the blind leading the blind - or the cranky leading the chronically pessimistic.

3. Speaking of Blind
My dog, Ben, is now fully blind. This really has nothing to do with anything but thought you should know. And despite the sadness, it's kinda funny. He hears himself break wind and assumes we are under attack - therefore, the fury of the blind hellhound is unleashed until some savory snack is waived beneath his snout to draw his attention back to the important things like his stomach.

4. How do you say "drunk" in Spanish?
I have found a way to solicit all the folks charged with dui over the weekend in a particular county. Well, this particular county happens to have a large spanish community and boy, according to the records, they must enjoy their tequilla (and really, who can blame them for that?). So far, my dui representation consists of illegal immigrants and drunken strippers. Not a bad start...not a bad start at all.

5. My lover, the television
Did anyone see the season premier of Two and Half Men? The relationship between Charlie and his nephew is like me and the POD .... except with much less screaming and worshipping of the devil.

Did anyone see the season ender of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Laughed so hard I scared the blind dog (see above).

Did anyone see Invasion? So freaking stupid I kicked the blind dog.

Did anyone see My Name is Earl? Loved it - even Daddy loved it and he don't do sitcoms - he's much more of a History Channel kinda guy.

Did anyone see J.D win on Rockstar: INXS? Morons. Like Marty better but assuming he will be rocking it single style better anyway.

6. Family Reunion

Went to Captain Nutty's family reunion over the weekend - without Captain Nutty of course who by the way just got off the phone with me crying because she can't remember what drug it is that she is allergic to (Morphine, you twit). Anyhoooo, let me summarize the reunion for you - I have aunts and uncles by the name of Seymour, Geraldine, Herman and Mannetta. I have a great aunt who's ass is so wide that she has to go through a door sideways - not even kidding. Haven't seen these people in about 14 years and frankly, I expected a big, big reaction. What did I get? "Oh hey". Yeah, apparently I'm not the glue that holds that family together even though I thought I was fucking crazy glue. Apparently, only the crazy part applies.

Anyway, you can see gentle readers why I've been so absent. I once again beg your forgiveness and promise to be better.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

As Al Capone Laughs

In the comments to my last post, Cowboy Dan brought up an excelent point...what about Geraldo? Thanks for the reminder, Cowboy old buddy! So in continuation of my media theme this week, I would like to discuss my fascination and befuddlement of the one they call Geraldo (please note: every time you read his name, please hear some sort of theatrical "dum dum" music like they have at the beginning of Law & Order )

I would like to nominate Geraldo (dum dum!) as the celebrity whose countenance most lends itself to muppet mimicry. I can so see Ernie and Bert having a chat with a muppet Geraldo(dum dum!) - what with the bulbous nose and the rich, flowing mane of hair.

I've heard Geraldo (dum dum!) has his own personal moto - where there is misery and drama, I will be there! I caught Geraldo's riveting coverage last friday night outside of the convention center where he was in such a frenzy I believe I saw a little spittle fly out of from underneath his mucho macho mustachio. What a man.

He was just a railing away at Bill O'Reilly and saying "I don't know what's going to happen when it gets dark, Bill!" Hey, Geraldo, I'll tell you what will happen - it will get dark, you jackass.

Bill asked if he was safe and in answer the camera panned out and showed that Geraldo(dum dum!) had made himself a nice safe little spot with which to film from. He was surrounded by no less than 6 policemen/national guardsmen.....cause those folks weren't needed anywhere else at the time. Geraldo was numero uno priority. Where the muppet goes, trouble will follow so you must ensure his safety at all costs.

Geraldo(dum dum!) then grabbed himself some little black babies and cuddled them up to his mucho macho mustachio and which point one of the babies reared back in fear of the giant tarantula-like thing threatening it. I would have given a cool million for that baby to have grabbed a few nostril hairs and give a firm yank at that moment but alas, said baby was also in shock and awe at his blatant grandstanding to act appropriately.

And through this whole thing, Geraldo (dum dum!) managed to keep his lion's mane of hair just perfect. He looked better than Diane Sawyer or even Oprah who had to satisfy herself with a ponytail to look tv presentable. But not Geraldo! He clearly had brought Jose Eber (hairstylist to the stars) with him cause he knows the secret to good journalism - look good and people will believe your bullshit.

And fashion wise? Why he looked down right saucy! He had his dark tshirt tucked tightly in to his high-waisted jeans for a look that says "I'm in mourning but I still love my Calvins".

If there is any justice in the world (and I think we all know there is not), one of those random Gators that I just know are roaming freely throughout the flood waters will bite Geraldo right in his chimmichanga and he'll suddenly have a little "growing" room in his groin area.

One can dream, one can dream.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Katrina, You Bitch

So nearly everyone in blogworld has posted about Hurricane Katrina. And let me start by saying that my little pea brain can't wrap itself around the devastation, the loss of life and the poor rescue response. There are one million places you can go to donate on the interent and another cool million where people much more eloquent than myself can wax poetic about the tragedy.

That being said...I have a few points that I would like to make but please don't take me that seriously. These certainly aren't the big issues but just some minor annoyances to me who has no room to complain. I deal with bad shit with low class humor - trust me, I'm a real ball at a funeral.

1. So I'm watching local news last week right after the hurrincane and the weather guy comes on and goes, "Will the Atlanta area feel the effects of Hurrican Katrina? Stay tuned to find out!".

In what world is it appropriate that the weather forecast has become a cliffhanger? Is this really an area of the news that you should tease people with? Especially considering the weather just did huge old bitch slap on the south? Am I supposed to wait through maxipad commercials to find out if I am in any kind of danger? There are people in Louisiana floating on roofs and somehow the news guy thinks a little teaser is just what I need to make me not switch over to the King of the Hill. He was wrong.

2. Oprah went down to New Orleans and then to Houston to meet with survivors. I was all behind it - all about Oprah going down and helping out the folks cause I mean, hell, she's OPRAH! Should could probably raise that city from the ruins by her own self! All was well and good until the end when Oprah's chatting with a survivor and asks her about her family.

Survivor woman says "I don't know where they are, they were sent to different cities. And if someone could just tell them I'm okay or if I could finde them...".

Oprah says, "well, where are they?"

Woman names some other cities and then Oprah goes, "Well, I have a surprise for you - THEY'RE RIGHT HERE!" Enter lost family stage left and a lovely, screaming reunion takes place.

Now, let me be clear, I have no problem with Oprah doing a reunion but is now the proper time for a little theatrical setup? Do we not think it was dramatic enough without having Oprah to build it up for us? Hasn't this woman had enough surprises for the week? Just tell the woman you found her lost family and let it alone. As far as I'm concerned, Oprah put that woman through about 4 more minutes of agony and franky, I think she had been through enough.

Oprah done lost her some props from me for that one.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I Fell In Love This Weekend

That's right, gentle readers, IN LOVE.....with the television show 24. And for those who clicked on this thinking to find some sappy "fatgal meets emotionally available, six pack ab guy who swoons at her humor and wit to such extent he overlooks her back boobies and surface of the moon thighs and swears his total devotion" story, you are at the wrong damn blog and frankly, you should have known better.

After recovering from a near life ending hangover of vast proportions on Friday, I rebounded over the weekend to discover that A&E was playing the last season of 24 in an awe-inspiring marathon. Now, I'd heard the hub-bub over this little tv gem but frankly during the season, I could never follow it due to other "outside the house and off my couch" obligations - miss one episode and you were shit out of luck. But apparently, since I'm dirt poor now, I can devote 24 hours of my labor day weekend to intrigue and Jack Bauer. Loved it. Loved it to the negligence of POD duties. Loved it to the negligence of racing duties and Kitty hand-holding.

This of course reignited my eternal passion for my favorite thing in the world - television. Alas, I had forgotten my true love what with drinking and the raising of the POD and such. But it has been rediscovered. I have gone over and over my recent Entertainment Weekly which has an in-depth study of the upcoming fall season. Currently, I'm contemplating putting some premiere dates into my calendar...the only thing holding me back is how incredibly dorky this might be but slap my ass and call me Sally, I just devoted 24 hours to a tv show, I think my reputation can handle the blow.

So, as if you give a crap, I will rundown my television interests - past, present and future - in full disclosure of my dorkiness. If you choose to no longer visit this site in fear my geekdom may rub off on you, I completely understand.

Childhood loves? Electric Company and Captain Kangaroo far surpassed Seasame Street and that crack addict, Mr. Rogers.

Teen loves? Anything they put on MTV - when they used to play videos. Now every time I swing by MTV, it's always spring break which just leaves me with pictures of POD in some bar in Tijuana letting some jackass guy/gal take a shot out of her ass crack or something. I already have those fears - no need for MTV to stoke that fire.

College tv affairs? Knot's Landing and you can thank my roommate Whitney for this one. I would still ball Gary Ewing.

Law school diversions? The usual suspects - 90210, Melrose Place and Party of Five. We had whole dinner parties around Melrose Place viewings but that certainly doesn't make us unique.....of course, the level of drunkeness while simultaneously viewing Melrose and doing case briefs might make us a tad special.

Near past loves? Well, here's a hint - I hereby by pledge allegiance to Joss Whedon and all that he has done or may do in the future. My buddy Rob and I (shout out to Rob!) watched these shows over the phone together - he being in Florida and me being in Chicago.....ummmmm....neither of us got out much at the time (but you should know we both have risen over our loser status and rock out with our cocks out now!)

Present madness? Putting my new lover of 24 aside, I tivo Alias and Lost - but big whoop - most kids do.

Currently enjoying Rockstar INXS and well, that is all the summer had to offer me.

Let's see.... what else.....oh, I love The Office but mostly love the british version which cracks my ass up.

I recently viewed Always Sunny in Philadelphia which made me snort.

On the pay cable side, give me some Deadwood, you cocksuckers. (Wow, that sounded nasty)

On my expanded cable side, if left to my own devices, I would watch every single episode of the Wedding Story and Adoption Stories. Also, if you have a show with sextuplets or something conjoined, count me in.

What shows am I looking forward to this fall? Hard to say, hard to say.

The return of favorites - Without a Trace, Cold Case, Grey's Anatomy,Arrested Development, House, Gilmore Girls, Amazing Race, and Veronica Mars.

New shows I'll be checking on - Prison Break (already like it), Kitchen Confidential (with Xander in it!), My Name is Earl, Bones (starring Angel!). I'm sure I'll be checking out the whole alien genre that seems to bepopping up this fall as well.

I will NOT be watching Martha Stewart, Donald Trump or Geena Davis (the size of her teeth scare me).

Well, that's it - I'm out of the closet. I am a tv addict. Don't even get me started on my obsession with all awards shows or the Simpsons or King of the Hill.

We've merely tapped the surface, my friends. There's alot of bullshit beneath this.

I hereby open myself up to all of your tv related queries - I am in the loop, in the "know", I know my tv. Bring it on.