Thursday, December 29, 2005

Still On Holiday Mode

I survived Christmas and hope the rest of you did as well. I will of course recap the gory details later but no time right now.

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of Kitty from her south Flordia abode. We will be joining Cowboy Dan and Fat Baby's Mamma to ring in the new year right - and by "right", I mean by getting drunk in the woods of north Georgia.

I'll be back soon and might even feel amusing by that time.

Till then - rock out with your cock out!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Just a Drive-By Cranky

Some quick crankiness...

- Hey, dumbass client! Leaving me the same message 4 times a day wil not, I repeat NOT, make me respond to you any fucking faster. Matter of fact, it just teases the tiger within and I start to see how long I can actually go without contacting you until you ultimately fire me. I already have your money so at this point I really don't give a crap.

- Here's a thought....when I agree that your kid can come over and play with POD, that means for a short stint. It means I expect her not leave popcorn kernels all over my "on the market" house and not to talk at eardrum shattering decibels. It also means to pick her up at 4 so I can get my happy ass to the bar. It's fucking Friday - come get your kid or I'll let POD turn her bisexual so fast it'll make your rainbow flag spin!

- Hey, dumbass client #2! I can't serve papers on a woman for whom you have no damn address! Simply putting her name on a court complaint and sending it to the state of Mississippi does not work. So the next time she calls to harass you, please ask her what fucking county she lives in cause your ass ain't paying me enough for any private detective services!

- Hey, prospective dumbass client! Don't leave me messages saying your statute of limitations is about to run and you need me to take your case then when I actually returne your call you inform me that your "good for nothing ass of attorney" took two years to file your case. Hey, guess what, you moronic twit! He FILED! That means no statute of limitation issues. Why don't you leave the high level thinking to those of us with opposable thumbs?


- POD got a C- in Art this semester. How exactly does one grade art? What is the difference in a 15 year old's artwork that makes a teacher go "hmmmmm.....certainly no Picasso but a C- seems adequate"? POD's explanation? "I don't draw good".....yeeeaaahhh, you no talk so good either, what was your fucking English grade?

Screw it....time to start drinking at home.

Happy fucking holidays.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Concerns of the Season

So I've been obsessively pondering so very "earth shattering life altering" things....well, not really, but the mind does drift to the below items:

1. Captain Nutty is currently coming off the goofballs. Withdrawal sucks and we all know that but....what effect does this have on my Christmas intake?

2. Captain Nutty is currentloy coming off the goofballs.....and she comes to visit in 4 days. Me thinks it's time for Floyd to up her intake of her own goofballs.

3. So I told the Consort (Captain Nutty's husband) to "don't buy me any presents, just pay my car payment this month".....surely he wouldn't take me seriously?

4. My cat has started to masturbate. Truly. The cat has consistently woken me up every night this week humping my leg. Yep. The CAT. Seriously concerned....and perhaps just a tad aroused.

5. Do creditors rue the day caller ID was invented? Is Chase named "chase" because they chase your ass down for their money? How many times do they have to call before they figure out that you ain't answering the damn phone?

6. I owe the POD $60 in back allowance. Surely, she doesn't know how to report to credit bureaus? Right?

7. I read a note that a friend of POD's gave her (don't judge me! it was sitting on the counter - fair game!). It speaks of the POD picturing her boyfriend "giving it to her beautifully". I'm sure he's speaking of a nicely wrapped and age appropriate Christmas gift. Right? RIGHT?

8. This country still supports forced sterilization. Right? RIGHT?

9. Since it's the holiday season, I think I can consistently begin drinking at 10 am without much fear of reprisal or forced institutionalization. Who are we kidding? Some time in rehab might be a lovely vacation.....of course, unless they sent Captain Nutty with me.

10. Okay, riddle me this - I drink, I get drunk and my nose turns bright red. Rudolph? Reddest damn nose known to man. But not only does no one call him an alcoholic, they even let the little fucker drive! Fair? I think not.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I've Got Your Roasting Chestnuts Right Here*

*Alternative titles: "I'm Going To Shove That Mistletoe Up
Your Ass" or "Nobody Puts Out A Little Kettle And Rings A Bell For Me"

Yes, I'm here and No, I don't want to talk about it. I will ignore my abscence and present what I hope to become an annual tradition....

Things Floyd Really Hates About Christmas

1. Family coming to visit

2. Family coming to visit and having to talk to them

3. Family coming to visit while you have no money and are trying to sell your house and have to talk to them about having no money and trying to sell your house

4. Leaving with said visiting family to go visit more fucking family

5. Visiting said more fucking family and having to sleep on fold-out cot at foot of parents' bed

6. Being 35 years old, rather wide in stature and having to sleep on said fold-out cot

7. Knowing in advance that Captain Nutty will completely disregard ALL of the things mentioned that I want for Christmas and will buy whatever suits her whimsy (here's a hint - Captain Nutty asked "Have you been by Lane Bryant lately?" - and for the record, nothing against Laney but I have not yet reached that proportion yet)

8. Preparing for the POD to be all wonky during said visit with said fucking family and then having to constantly discuss the status of POD's mental health (but who can really blame her - Floyd wishes she could act up as well)

9. Trying to figure out the proper ratio of how many drinks I can have to make Christmas Eve tolerable in proportion to how many drinks I can have to not throw up on Christman morning

10. Having to fake smile my way through this whole crap-a-rama....bah humbug.

Next post: What Floyd Loves About Christmas (might be a short one)