Thursday, December 08, 2005

I've Got Your Roasting Chestnuts Right Here*

*Alternative titles: "I'm Going To Shove That Mistletoe Up
Your Ass" or "Nobody Puts Out A Little Kettle And Rings A Bell For Me"

Yes, I'm here and No, I don't want to talk about it. I will ignore my abscence and present what I hope to become an annual tradition....

Things Floyd Really Hates About Christmas

1. Family coming to visit

2. Family coming to visit and having to talk to them

3. Family coming to visit while you have no money and are trying to sell your house and have to talk to them about having no money and trying to sell your house

4. Leaving with said visiting family to go visit more fucking family

5. Visiting said more fucking family and having to sleep on fold-out cot at foot of parents' bed

6. Being 35 years old, rather wide in stature and having to sleep on said fold-out cot

7. Knowing in advance that Captain Nutty will completely disregard ALL of the things mentioned that I want for Christmas and will buy whatever suits her whimsy (here's a hint - Captain Nutty asked "Have you been by Lane Bryant lately?" - and for the record, nothing against Laney but I have not yet reached that proportion yet)

8. Preparing for the POD to be all wonky during said visit with said fucking family and then having to constantly discuss the status of POD's mental health (but who can really blame her - Floyd wishes she could act up as well)

9. Trying to figure out the proper ratio of how many drinks I can have to make Christmas Eve tolerable in proportion to how many drinks I can have to not throw up on Christman morning

10. Having to fake smile my way through this whole crap-a-rama....bah humbug.

Next post: What Floyd Loves About Christmas (might be a short one)


kari said...

Okay. I'm actually laughing out loud. Good one Floyd.

astrocoz said...

Wow! Sounds similar to what I hate about Christmas.

VI said...

At least there will be alcohol there... in some families such is not an option. :)

Pixie LaRouge said...

Ah, the holidays! Family, family and more family. And we wonder why more suicide happens then than any other time of year...