Monday, September 26, 2005

*Tap, Tap*....Is This Thing On?

Okay, I'm here. Still kicking. Didn't mean to ignore you my precious, precious gentle readers but life has been moving.

Probably shouldn't bore you with all the gory details but here are the highlights -

1. Floyd 1, Crack Whores 0
Dear Crack Whore,

I'm your Baby's Daddy's Attorney or as you like to call me "that white bitch trying to take your baby". Well, guess what? This white bitch won and despite your efforts to drag this all the way to the Supreme Court, you got the smack down. Despite your attempts to portray my client the MINISTER as a convicted murderer, the judge STILL thought your kid was better off with him then with your skanked out ass. So wail and moan all you want but if this white bitch had her way, I would be taking your other kids from you as well.

Sincerely,
Superlitigator Floyd

2. POD Patrol
The POD has decided that Biology is not necessary information for her in this world (and no, don't ask me what this means in regards to the reproduction section - I'm lobbying congress for forced contraception any day now). POD has failed to fully conceptualize that the failure of Biology means NO LEAD IN SCHOOL PLAY which makes Floyd fairly spastic with worry. So many, many tv hours have been devoted to harassing the POD about her study habits. And for those of you aware of the fact that I failed Biology in my day, you are correct in assuming that this is a case of the blind leading the blind - or the cranky leading the chronically pessimistic.

3. Speaking of Blind
My dog, Ben, is now fully blind. This really has nothing to do with anything but thought you should know. And despite the sadness, it's kinda funny. He hears himself break wind and assumes we are under attack - therefore, the fury of the blind hellhound is unleashed until some savory snack is waived beneath his snout to draw his attention back to the important things like his stomach.

4. How do you say "drunk" in Spanish?
I have found a way to solicit all the folks charged with dui over the weekend in a particular county. Well, this particular county happens to have a large spanish community and boy, according to the records, they must enjoy their tequilla (and really, who can blame them for that?). So far, my dui representation consists of illegal immigrants and drunken strippers. Not a bad start...not a bad start at all.

5. My lover, the television
Did anyone see the season premier of Two and Half Men? The relationship between Charlie and his nephew is like me and the POD .... except with much less screaming and worshipping of the devil.

Did anyone see the season ender of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Laughed so hard I scared the blind dog (see above).

Did anyone see Invasion? So freaking stupid I kicked the blind dog.

Did anyone see My Name is Earl? Loved it - even Daddy loved it and he don't do sitcoms - he's much more of a History Channel kinda guy.

Did anyone see J.D win on Rockstar: INXS? Morons. Like Marty better but assuming he will be rocking it single style better anyway.

6. Family Reunion

Went to Captain Nutty's family reunion over the weekend - without Captain Nutty of course who by the way just got off the phone with me crying because she can't remember what drug it is that she is allergic to (Morphine, you twit). Anyhoooo, let me summarize the reunion for you - I have aunts and uncles by the name of Seymour, Geraldine, Herman and Mannetta. I have a great aunt who's ass is so wide that she has to go through a door sideways - not even kidding. Haven't seen these people in about 14 years and frankly, I expected a big, big reaction. What did I get? "Oh hey". Yeah, apparently I'm not the glue that holds that family together even though I thought I was fucking crazy glue. Apparently, only the crazy part applies.

Anyway, you can see gentle readers why I've been so absent. I once again beg your forgiveness and promise to be better.

3 comments:

VI said...

I am so happy to have a post from you.
It made me laugh - as I expected.

Cowgirl Dan said...

Further evidence that you need to lock your POD in a windowless basement with 3 days worth of food and water, put the old and useless dogs out of their misery, and GO RACING AT TALLADEGAAAAAAAAAAAA, ALAAAAABAMAAAAAA WITH YOUR PEEPS.
We miss you!

wavybrains said...

Found you via Cubbie Girl. Fell down laughing on the spot. :)

Oh yeah, and I'm a fellow lawyer, and I must say your letter to the crack ho made my day!