Friday, May 13, 2005

A Planned Death in the Family

I regret to inform you that I will be killing the Princess of Darkness after this weekend. The fair Princess of Darkness (henceforth POD) has committed a grave transgession for which the punishment can only be death.

Some background - POD is in a school play this weekend. She has worked long and hard, blah, blah, blah. POD has a very good friend back home in Chicago whom she wanted to see her in the play. Well, since Capt Nutty was coming down to check out the play I said "sure, your pal can come down" thinking said pal would get a plane ticket and hang for the weekend. No problem. I am a cool sister and can handle these things.

But oh no, the situation has not gone down like that. I was informed earlier this week that said pal's mother will be driving them down this weekend. That's right - this woman who I DO NOT KNOW will be driving 12 hours to stay AT MY HOUSE all freaking weekend. Please keep in mind that Capt Nutty will be returning to Chicago today as she has a pressing antique show that CAN'T be missed so I will be all alone with the company this weekend.

Now, I thought surely this woman (henceforth "Inconsiderate Moron") would give me a jingle to confirm these plans at which time I would politely say that this weekend was not good for me and POD would be back in Chicago in about 3 weeks time so just hold on 'till she got home to visit. However, as par for the course that is my life, Inconsiderate Moron never called me.

In a fit of desperation, I had Capt Nutty call Inconsiderate Moron last week. Inconsiderate Moron said she doubted she would come as she was having "dog care issues" (apparently no issue with staying with someone she doesn't know but dog care issues). Whatever. Felt a nice little relief that this hairbrained 15 year-old brainstorm would not come to fruition.

I reveled in that relief - until last night. Picked POD up after inaugural performance of play (called Assasins - a lovely little musical about presidential assasins with lots of guns and capital punishment - and yes, that's right - I said "musical" - ever seen John Wilkes Booth perform a sassy little song and dance? I thought not.) and POD informs me that pal and Inconsiderate Moron have started the treck downand are currently cruising through Indiana. That's right - never a phone call to me but apparently Inconsiderate Moron will be here for me to entertain this weekend. Oh joy.

Therefore, please send all condolences on the untimely death of my sister to floyd@justifiablehomicide.com.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

The entertainment value of this alone is worth millions to Kitty and I (as well as the rest of your faithful followers, I'm sure).
Query: Will unexpected nutzo company cause any work related conflicts?

Julie said...

Answer the door naked and tell her that you have embraced the nudist lifestyle and it's required that no clothes be worn in the home at any time.


Your home, your rules.

Kitty said...

Feed them some chicken dip...that'll clear them out in a jiffy.

Lola said...

Floyd, I'm with Julie. Answer the door butt as nekkid but add being stinkin' ass drunk. Stay drunk the entire weekend. It may make for a rough weekend for you BUT you won't ever have unexpected company again and you will embarress the shit out of POD. That'll teach her to invite people into your home.

astrocoz said...

Yeah, then drunk dial her friends from her cell phone and ruin her social life!

Teach her a lesson.

Pixie LaRouge said...

I'm very nearly rofl over here. I like the nekkid and drunk solution. Of course, I'm frequently in favor of nekkid and drunk (although, doesn't it usually occur in reverse order?) Make sure, before you slaughter POD that this is her fault. It might be Inconsiderate Moron's fault. IM might have just "decided" there was an invitation for herself there, too.

(btw, I LOVE Assassins. So twisted. So creepy. So marv. And now you're learning how twisted I really am...)

HWW said...

You know what I always do to get rid of uninvited guests? Fart. A lot. I mean rip ass every chance you get. Eat deviled eggs by the boatload. Make it smell like the day after an Easter egg hunt in there. When they scowl, politely apologize then tear off another greaser. That'll teach 'em. Inconsiderate fuckers.