Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Open Letter to Lady in Office Bathroom

Dear Lady in Office Bathroom,

I am fully aware that every single work day at around 1:00 you like to go through your little personal grooming routine in the office bathroom. However, today, I find your lack of manners disturbing and feel compelled to address the situation.

Let me explain - you saunter in and some innocent person (no names mentioned here - protecting the innocent and so forth) is already hidden away in a stall. This said innocent person is not making one single, solitary noise - no toe tapping, no whistling and no tinkling sounds. Any female over the age of 5 knows that this silence indicates said innocent person is in the stall engaged in some serious business. Business said innocent person would probably like to engage in at home but due to unforeseen circumstances and poor lunch choices, said innocent person is forced to engage in such business in the office bathroom.

Now - when any female over the age of 5 confronts such a situation in a public facility, that female knows to hurriedly conduct her own business and leave the public facilities in a most expeditious manner. This prevents embarassment of all parties and it is the kind, polite thing to do.

This being said, I will need some explanation of your obtuse behavior today. Why did you feel it necessary to use the toilet and instead of simplying washing your hands and calling it done, you felt the need to dive into your purse? While whistling a jaunty little tune, you proceeded to brush your nappy hair (though Lord knows why, honey, ugly is ugly, no brushing could help) and then begin your oral hygeine routine. On most days, your obsessive need to brush your teeth for no less than 5 minutes does not bother said innocent person. After all, tooth decay is the enemy. However, when you damn well know said innocent person is in the last stall with cold beads of sweat running down her face from clenching her butt cheeks together, one would think you could give those plaque collectors a quick runover and call it clean. But no, you insist on doing your full routine in apparent oblivion to the crisis in the last stall.

Shame on you, bathroom stalker, shame indeed.

Next time, there will be no clenching. You reap what you sow.

A Concerned Office Bathroom Dweller


Kitty said...

Did this unfortunate incident lead to a turtler? I hate when that happens.

Molly said...

Ha ha ha! Totally.

I remember one time I was sitting in a stall (totally silently), and someone else came in and sat in a stall (totally silently). For about 5 minutes. It was like the war of the silent toilet-sitters. I really wanted to win that battle, but I was clenching to a point where I could crack a walnut in my ass, so I finally just gave the hell up and went to the bathroom on the floor above. Wherever you are, lady, your day is coming. Because I was there first, bitch.

VI said...

This is truly one of the funniest post I have ever read!
Thank you!

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Don't be shy, let it fly.

Bombs away!

Don't stop shitting out of meek politeness. Don't be embarrassed that you digest.

Let your weeping asshole spit and rest. You'll be happier.

amyesq said...

I think you work in my old office. There is one secretary I can think of in particular who spends a good 20 minutes in there grooming. I basically just give up waiting and go my business when she is in there.

Chief Wannahockaloogy said...

Yo, bitches are whacked. We all shit.

What, only one female shitter allowed in there at a time? Is it un-ladylike to take a crap? Bah.

Any female over the age of five knows to give their perfumed pompus egos a break and drop a load just like the rest of humanity when necessary.

Let me're under (twenty) 5. Grow up.

The Macek Collective said...

Yes Floyd. Please grow up.

While you're at it - get a witty monicker like Chief Wonnahockaloogy. Fucking brilliant.

Julie said...

I think I may have peed a little. That was just too funny.

And yes, Chief, most women prefer to do their business in private and not air it out for the whole world. Just because you are comfortable taking a dump in a room fool of people doesn't mean that the rest of us should be ok with it.