Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Consider Them Warned

Apparently someone should talk to the Mesa Police Department about getting too close to monkeys. It seems they want to put a monkey on their SWAT team.

Who in their right mind would put a monkey on a SWAT team?

Note to all concerned - if my ass is being held by some psycho, I don't want to depend on some "throws its own feces and eats testicles" animal to pick the lock just so some well trained (and according to the movies, very handsome) SWAT guy won't get his cute butt shot. Not that I want cute SWAT guy shot but my tax dollars go to being rescued by some ruggedly-handsome, gun toting type guy - not for freaking monkey food. In all my "being held by some madman and rescued by hot guy" fantasies, there is NEVER a monkey involved (well, except for that one time but I blame that on the 3 a.m. Indian food snack).

I mean they're not even talking about getting a scary monkey - like a ball ripping chimp or even a chest-smacking gorilla. They want a capuchin monkey. Well, that's scary! I bet terrorists will just throw down their AK-47 when they let that diaper-wearing bad boy out of his cage!
(Mr. Terrorist: "Oh no! Not the monkey! For the love of all that's holy, NOT THE MONKEY!")

A freaking capuchin monkey couldn't rip the gonads of a fly but he could probably put the hurting on a finger or nose. (Please note - bad guys can't shoot him because they will be supplying little monkey with his own tiny little kevlar vest). Course if I'm a bad guy in a big old adrenaline rush like a hostage situation, am I going to notice a missing nose or finger? Hard to say. But bite my nuts off and you have all my attention.

Moral of the story - they're gonna need some chimps and cake in Mesa, Arizona.

4 comments:

Julie said...

That's too funny!

Anonymous said...

Are the monkey stories taking the place of the dog stories?

The Macek Collective said...

I, for one, would put a monkey on my SWAT team. Throwing feces and eating testicles is better behavior than some of the cops I've run into.

Pixie LaRouge said...

Oh. My. LORD! Please put some kind of warning up before you write something like this! I'm cleaning cola out of the keyboard. And cola is not good for keyboards. Really. So please, for the love of Pete, don't make me laugh so hard when I'm trying to take a drink...

"throws its own feces and eats testicles" LOL!