So, gentle readers, I owe you the story of this past weekend when all my pals came to visit. But we have a little problem. It seems Barbie spilt the beans. Barbie is the younger sister of Fat Baby’s Mama and Cowboy Dan. Apparently, Barbie told Captain Fruitloop about our little blog party. (*Remember – Captain Fruitloop is Cowboy Dan and Fat Baby’s Mama’s mother – got that all straight? Need a flowchart?)
So pray tell, gentle reader, how exactly am I supposed to tell a story of drinking and debauchery when I know Capt. Fruitloop may be reading? I love Capt. Fruitloop and all her fruity kin. I am considered one of her family and I’m not looking to get excommunicated – what with spring being nice on her farm and all. Plus, I really don’t need Cowboy Dan getting kicked out of the house and having to come share a room with the Princess of Darkness.
However, I think I may have stumbled upon a solution. I will list some of the “activities” of the past drunken weekend and it will be up to you, gentle reader, to attribute such actions to either myself, Fat Baby’s Mama, Kitty or Cowboy Dan.
1. SOMEONE kept wanting to go to a strip club until she was told that “no, not all strip clubs have naked men, just naked women”. Moron.
2. SOMEONE insisted we all get vodka and tonics with 2 limes since ordering the same drinks was much easier than simply me drinking beer.
3. SOMEONE ordered a round of shots made of Crown Royal and only one of us drank that shot like a man and not a pussy. (yeah, that one was me – I kick ass)
4. SOMEONE missed the exit to the airport to pick up Kitty – something this person has never ever done in her entire life. This person is always, always late to pick up Kitty from all airports. There is some sort of curse because this person is never ever late to pick up anyone else.
5. SOMEONE’S response to missing said exit was “well, we might as well stop and get more beer then.”
6. SOMEONE cruised into a gas station in certifiably the worst area in Atlanta and picked up 6 pack of Michelob Ultra-Carb claiming they were out of Bud Light (yeeeaahhhh, riiiiight. I would believe they were out of Schlitz Malt Liquor but not Bud Light)
7. SOMEONE insisted we go dancing even though it was already one in the morning and none of us are known for out rhythm.
8. SOMEONE agreed to drive us to the dancing spot when the rest of the group agreed we would take a cab home. Sucker.
9. SOMEONE danced like she was doing her best Russian moves by dropping to alternating knees and hitting each knee to the floor before bouncing back up to her feet. I saw the same move in Fiddler on the Roof.
10. SOMEONE else tried to mimic said Russian moves and couldn’t operate her own legs for the following two days.
11. SOMEONE danced around a pole like they were born to it. Scary.
12. SOMEONE picked up a guy in the parking lot after the bar closed and was making out in the back of my car within 2 minutes of introductions. We called him Skippy. He gave us his real name but we neither listened nor cared. Skippy suited him.
13. SOMEONE said “I think we should take a cab” to which the response was “Noooo, you’re fine to drive”. Idiots.
14. SOMEONE opened up 4 more beers when we got home and scarfed down a frozen pizza.
15. SOMEONE ate a Klondike bar in my bed on my $200 sheets.
16. ALL of the SOMEONES felt like ass the next morning.
And that was only Friday night….