Monday, April 18, 2005

Beware of Monkey Lovers Bearing Gifts

I really don’t have much to say today so I thought I would talk about monkeys. Did you hear about the monkey attack? (and yes, I know they’re chimpanzees but monkey is more fun to say)

So this couple went to visit their monkey in an animal sanctuary for its birthday. They brought their monkey a cake. Well, whilst enjoying their monkey’s birthday cake (and no, they didn’t even give any cake to their own monkey, the selfish bastards), some other monkeys got out of their cages (crafty, crafty monkeys). Lo and behold, the escapee monkeys were mightily pissed that no one had brought them birthday cake and frankly, I would get a little cranky at that insult too. I mean this couple is sitting there throwing a birthday party for their monkey right in front of the other monkeys! How much more “in your monkey face” can you get? Everyone knows you invite all monkeys to your party; it's not fair to only party with your own monkey.

The slighted monkeys took to attacking the birthday people (now, I don’t condone random monkey violence but they were clearly provoked and when provoked, one can only expect monkey violence). After biting off the woman’s fingers, they decided to get all up on the man birthday person. They ate his foot…his nose and…wait for it…his testicles. That’s right – those pissed off monkeys ate the man’s nads. How mad do you have to be to go through a man’s pants and eat his meat and two vegetables? (well, they didn’t say anything about his meat –so just the vegetables. I suppose monkeys are vegetarian after all.) A fair trade for cake? Hard to say, hard to say.

Moral of the story – if you’re bringing a cake to your monkey, you best bring enough for everyone.

P.S. I realize I’m going to hell for making light of this but COME ON! MONKEYS ATE HIS NUTS!!! THAT IS SOME FUNNY SHIT!

P.S.S The whole reason I bring this up is that they're talking to the monkey lovers on Primetime Live on Thursday. I think we all know what I'll be doing.


Anonymous said...

Hadn't heard this...can't wait to compare your version to the TV version...

The Macek Collective said...

if you’re bringing a cake to your monkey, you best bring enough for everyone

If only I had a dollar for every time I heard this. People just don't listen anymore.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes has many lessons to teach us, particularly when in comes to simian domestication.

And shock therapy.

If the monkeys could be taught the all tongue no teeth rule, we won't need to worry about sorry mishaps like this any longer.

Oh wait, they were angry, not just overzealous. My mistake. Nevermind.

Frosting. Mmm.

Julianna said...

That is so friggin' hilarious. I heard mention of some monkeys and fingers being lost but didn't know the details. They were rude, those party throwers (not the monkeys).

Lola said...

I think the birthday monkey got pissed and egged the others on. Who eats cake in front of the birthday monkey and doesn't share? Apparently a man with no balls.