Monday, April 04, 2005

Even the Penguin Mocks Me

Welcome to Monday, gentle readers. And oh what a Monday it is. The following are some random events from my day so far as I don’t seem to be able to put together a cohesive topic for today’s entry (thus my affinity for lists all the damn time).

1. First and foremost, I suggest, nay ....DEMAND, that you go visit my new pal at The Macek Collective. After that go, see Lola at Bitter With Baggage. My new friends are drunk and bitter which frankly makes them my kind of people.

2. So I go in to have a chat with my Boss this morning. And let me tell you a little bit about him – he’s a very nice guy. He’s also an extremely smart man – not in the “I can kick your ass at Jeopardy” way but in the “I don’t own a TV and spend my free time reading college textbooks” kind of way. Now, Boss Man has a great sense of humor but really isn’t Mr. Jokes at the workplace – he’s Mr. Work at the workplace as I suppose I would be if I was as smart as Boss Man. Boss Man also has a very nice office as befits a partner in a nice law firm; however, there is one small item that seems a tad out of place. It’s a small Opus doll (you know - the penguin from Bloom County comics?) that sits on his desk. Opus constantly looks at me from behind Boss Man as Boss Man talks to me. Opus mocks me, he sneers and with his little penguin eyes he says, “You’re a dumbass and Boss Man knows it.” I try to concentrate on what Boss Man is saying because I know at some point there will be a question but I can’t tear my eyes away from Opus and his all-knowing gaze. And then it happens, Boss Man asks me a question to which I verbally responded “yes” while at the same time physically shook my head “no”. Boss Man looked perplexed and agitated and asked me which it was - yes or no? Opus throws back his head and roars with laughter. Fucking penguin. I think I may need to up my medication.

3. I go and meet my cousin on my lunch hour. We are chatting it up with our friend the bartender….urrrr….waitress and said waitress informs me she’s pre-menopause. Now, she seems to be just around my age so I query, “Well, good and faithful barkeep….urrrr….waitress, how old are you?” She replies “39 but my gyno says that if I’m having night sweats that’s the early signs of menopause” at which I point I fall off my bar stool……urrrr….chair. I wake up most nights like I’ve been trekking through Amazon. So now, folks, the final nail in my coffin, 34, childless and pre-menopausal. Bitter? Noooooooo. (About this time, Kitty is screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” as she reads this line as she is slightly more worried about these issues than I am)

4. I have a red spot in my eye. It is big and angry red. So since I’m not the over reactive type at all, I’ve decided it’s Ebola. I expect to start bleeding out of all of my orifices at any moment now. True, I feel fine but how does one really feel when one’s insides are liquefying? If I’m dying, I might as well call it a day and head back to …..urrrr… I mean “head for the first time today” to the bar.

See ya...I'm off to meet my inner Drunky McDrunk.


FatBaby's Mama said...

bravo sally on yet another smashing encounter with Boss Man....maybe its time to start looking for alternate employment. I hear Manhands' employer is looking for in-house counsel to handle various immigration issues, with some custodial duties involved.

Pixie LaRouge said...

Ever see Wonderfalls? Okay, probably not, since I think I'm one of like 12 people (all of whom I know) that actually watched that show. Pity, too. Fuckin' hilarious.

Anyway, your problems with Opus just reminded me of said show. It's on DVD, by the way. check it out. It's even more hilarious when drunk!