Monday, June 20, 2005

Wanted - One New Liver

I suppose I managed to stretch my birthday celebrations for as long as I possibly could. So what the fuck do we talk about now?

I've been sober now for 26.8 hours and frankly, it's making me cranky. And hell, you think I'm cranky, you oughta talk to Cowboy Dan - Ms. Cranky Pants, indeed.

Cowboy Dan paid me a return visit on Friday night where we proceeded to get highly inebriated once again. This resulted with us being on the phone with various friends until approximately 2 am (Please note: time is approximated because I have no clue what time it was and I became unable to read the clock at approximately midnight). (Also please note: do NOT put me on the phone while I'm all up in the drunk and ask for advice - I tend to inwardly fancy myself a hot-looking Dr. Joyce Brothers (hey, it's my fantasy - I can do whatever I want)- with that in mind, all apologies to those who had to sit on the phone with my drunken ass - especially you, Gas Man - I know you got way more than bargained for.)

Phone conversations were conducted in the backyard (not including a short trip to the Paradise to inhale at least 4 Diva shots) and thankfully, I have not introduced myself to my new neighbors - and me thinks me won't be doing this at all.

We were also joined for a significant part of the evening by Skank Ass Cousin. Skank Ass Cousin has been woefully neglected by this blogger and I do heretofore apologize for such oversight. Skank Ass Cousin is like her name says - my cousin, however, unlike her name says, she's really not that skanky (except when wearing purple running shorts but that perhaps is a vision for another time). Skank Ass Cousin and I were really kinda raised together so she's more than just a cousin - more like a sister (minus the gothic tendecies and general insanity currently present in the POD). Skank Ass Cousin lives around the corner from me and is generally my partner in crime, i.e. a good 80% of my drunken adventures involved Skank Ass Cousin. I really don't know why she hasn't been mentioned before but perhaps it's just that I take her presence for granted. Well, no more! Rise up, Skank Ass Cousin and take your rightful place in Floyd's hell! (Please note: Skank Ass Cousin has it way worse than the rest of you as she is real kin and has to really deal with POD and Captain Nutty - may the force be with her)

Anyhoooo, the drunken evening progressed. The POD was deeply impressed by my ability to hold my alcohol until I found her online talking about "licking pussy" at which point I began to scream like a banshee and banish her from all technology until she turns 32 or can spell "pussy" correctly, whichever comes first. I think Cowboy Dan became a little less frightened of the POD over the weekend - well, at least up until the pussy thing - now, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Sooooo, that's about it. And frankly, unless I keep drinking, I'm probably going to need some topical assistance - and I think we all know that my liver needs a little rest. That being said - I have received some reader email with some questions which I plan on answering - some with questions that I don't plan on answering. If you have any questions, shoot 'em to me. I may or may not answer them truthfully.

P.S. Cowboy Dan - notice how I didn't mention that you threw a cell phone at me or didn't know how to cook a frozen pizza? Thought that was very kind of me.


cowboy dan said...

I did notice that, and thanks for nothing. I also noticed that you didn't mention your attempted ass-kicking (directed at a certain ascared cowboy) which involved a brief pursuit in the yard (think cowboy dan in a deer-like sprint, and a mean carni nipping at her heels. and screaming...there was lots of screaming.).
I clearly didn't throw the phone at you as it landed a good 10 feet from you.

Julie said...

Ah Yes, the drunk dial. I've been known to do those from time to time. Sounds like a hoot!

skank ass cousin said...

OK, easy on the purple running shorts, They make my legs look hot! HA!
I appreciate the mention, but just one thing. Unlike the POD in all the other ways mentioned, I am a HETEROSEXUAL and damn proud of it.
No offense to the Paradise Lesbian!

The Macek Collective said...

I'm moving back to the south tomorrow.

The Paradise Lesbian said...

None taken Shank Ass Cousin, I know you love me

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Frozen pizza cooking is a delicate art. One must carefully gauge the thickness of the crust, read the directions to see whether it's a recommended 400 or 450, and then combine these pieces of information to determine how quickly the crust will dry and harden vs. the browning of the cheese.

I'm better than average at it,

I really wish I had a chart for you, Cowboy Dan.

The Everglades said...


When I get drunk I find a place to get some breakfast tacos at dark-thirty a.m. and give hand outs to homeless dudes pestering me for 40oz money. And I get a lazy eye when too much alcohol is consumed.

But I stay off the phone at all costs because I might make a call that I regret.

And I'm building a monument to regret, one brick at a time.