Monday, June 13, 2005

Random for Random's Sake*

*Otherwise known as "No real cohesive topic here"

Some random thoughts submitted for your consideration, gentle readers.

1. From some reader emails regarding my last post about my client meeting in my home, I have come to realize something. A lot of y'all don't know that I'm not a complete moron. Seriously, I'm not...despite all appearances to the contrary. I really have done nothing, however, to dissuade you from the impression that my posts give to you, Internet Total Strangers. My posts are a reflection of my life but also really my reflections of my internal dialogue, i.e. the constantly running commentary that the little man in my head provides me. His commentary can get distracting but often I manage to function. But I've never really told you that I'm not crazy. So really you have no way of knowing that I'm not quite as incompetent as I may lead to you believe....well, hold on...maybe I am....okay, correction...I can fake normalcy pretty well.

2. So my birthday is tomorrow. I will be 35. 35 and single. 35 and childless. 35 and overweight. 35, single, childless, overweight, raising my semi-psychotic little sister. Yep. I'm putting alllll that into a personal ad. Come and get me! (the poor need not apply)

3. Speaking of the semi-psychotic, the POD has returned. Apparently, a "D" in World History is not sufficient for the ultra-snotty private school the POD is attending, so she is back for a two week run at summer school. Yep. She's realllly happy about it. Not as happy as me, of course, who enjoyed what? A one week vacation from parental duties? Yep. NIIIIIIICCEEE. (Please note: POD will be returning to Chicago at the end of the 2 weeks to harass our parental units for the rest of the summer)

4. So the POD and I went to see the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Mindless summer entertainment that was quite enjoyable. However, it has led me to a surprising conclusion. Now, I love Brad Pitt - he is just easy on the eyes. Not so surprsing. However, I think if I was to start playing for the other team I would go for Angelina Jolie. I mean - holy crap. It's just not natural to be that good-looking AND good with weapons.

5. So tomorrow is my birthday. Cowboy Dan always gets me nice gifts. And always gifts that are totally unexpected. Therefore, around my birthday time, I usually get random conversations with Cowboy Dan. Therefore, I submit the following:

Cowboy Dan: "Where did you go to elementary school?"

Me: "Our Lady of Assumption"

Cowboy Dan: "Was that Catholic?"

Me: "Is the Pope catholic? Of course, it was Catholic. What public school would have a name like that?"

Cowboy Dan: "Who was your fifth grade teacher?"

Me: "I think Mrs. Fischer."

Cowboy Dan: "Was she a nun?"

Me: "No. Thus the 'Mrs' part."

Cowboy Dan: "Were there nuns?"

Me: "A few."

Cowboy Dan: "Okay. Bye."

Me: "Bye"

The first person to guess what relevance this conversation has to anything will win some sort of prize.

6. Please observe that in the last comments "Anonymous" submitted some commentary on the smell of my house and Bob's piss room. "Anonymous", my ass. That is Kitty. Kitty has a cat named Bob. Bob had a piss room. A piss room that she asked us to sleep in. That was not possible. I have smelled some bad things - and I mean BAD "NOT FOUND IN NATURE" things but none as bad as Bob's piss room. Kitty spent oodles of cash correcting said piss room to become a more hospitable part of her home. And so, while she makes fun of me, I have nothing, I repeat, NOTHING that could rival the smell of Bob's piss room.

7. Cowboy Dan has complained that she and Kitty are never mentioned anymore. Well, now there you go - got you both in one post. How ya' like them apples?

8. I ventured to Costco's yesterday. And you may be asking yourself what would drive a semi-sane person to venture forth into that den of suburban families all hepped up on free samples and 75 cent hot dogs on a freaking Sunday? Well, I'll tell you what - Jimmy Spencer. That thundering dunderhead that the powers-that-be feel is a quality commentator on NASCAR This Morning. I've seen people with drool running down their chins conduct more coherent conversations than this alcoholic blow-hard. Seriously, the man looks like someone pulled the gin and juice out of his hands about 20 seconds prior to air time and told him to form a sentence or two. Jimmy was more fun when he was beating the crap out of Kurt Busch. Let him return to the jungle and roam free with the other gorillas.

Well, that's all I have for today, gentle readers. Stayed tuned to see what whackiness ensues tomorrow. (I just wanted to say "whackiness ensues" - forgive me).

P.S. A small side note, our friend Macek's mom is apparently pretty ill so I know you join me in sending good thoughts, vibes and prayers their way.


Michelle said...

Wow..Happy Early Birthday!

I never thought you were an idiot by the way. Maybe that makes me an idiot? Ha.

Let's see? Nuns? Is he getting you "The Sound of Music?" I hope so. I love The Sound of Music.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Hooker! Cowboy Dan's presents are not the best, as he hasn't been giving them that long-
but seriously, so glad you are still older than me and younger than kitty-
and as always, my present will be late.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Nuns.... were you watching penguins on Animals Planet?

Gas Man said...

You'll have to wait till Daytona for my present.

Kitty said...

Kitty fesses up to only one of the anonymous posts re: smells. Me thinks Cowboy Dan may have chimed in with the other - the kidder that he is. As for catholic school, please remember back to a picture with a nun sucking on an ice cream cone. And by the way, HAPPY FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY, TARD!

cowboy dan said...

Happy Birthday, Lil' Bit! Do you think it will piss Kitty off that you are getting your birthday present before her? And for Cowboy Dan's actual sex, please refer back to any post prior to Floyd losing sight of her mission statement.