Thursday, June 02, 2005

Tickle Me Sappho

* Advance apologies to the following - bisexuals, lesbians, Mexicans, goats, strippers and gangbangers - I kid cause I love!


Well, gentle readers, I survived. Physically intact? Certainly. Mentally sound? Hard to say, hard to say.

In my 12-hour drive home yesterday, I pondered several topics, which I would like to discuss with you but I will first begin with a story illustrative of my week. However, this story requires a little background so please bear with me.

Not sure if I have previously mentioned it but the POD fancies herself a bisexual at this stage in her life. Now, personally, I don’t care if she fancies girl, boy or goat but I of course am concerned that POD feels the need to declare herself at the ripe old age of 15. I mean - I think it’s kinda not fair to play for both teams – I mean – pick a freaking side and stay on it – it’s only fair to all concerned. Confusion need not be added to the dating scene - thank you very much. But whatever floats her boat is fine by me.

While playing for both teams, the POD has found herself a gal pal. Her name is Krystal – with a “K” you will notice. Apparently, Krystal’s parents wanted to prepare her for a life on the pole and gave her a proper stage name right of the gate. Now, I have a few issues with Krystal – not because she is a follower of the teachings of Sappho but because she’s a gang member. Oh, yes, you read that correctly – a member of the Latin Kings (though I have been corrected to say Latin Queens since she is a chick - apparently I'm not as up on my gang lingo as I assumed). Krystal with a “K” has several tattoos at her ripe old age of 17 and is fond of telling all of the POD’s friends that “they better not touch her fucking girlfriend or I will fucking kill you” – she’s such a little love!

Anyhooooo, you can only imagine how well this is all going over with Capt Nutty and the Consort who revel in their suburban upper-middle class life (i.e. these people are so Wonderbread white they glow in the dark). Up until this point, the main fear in the Consort’s life has been that the POD will wear denim to the country club - soyou can see that a violent gal pal is really expanding his horizons - I can only imagine how he broaches this topic on the old links with his pals.

So this being said, I get to the point of my story and why my family will probably start proceedings to disown me at any minute now.

I’m sitting around with Capt Nutty and her little dog. Her little dog starts licking the carpeting on the floor. So what do I do? Waaaaaiiiiit for it… I say “Hey look, Mom! The dog’s a lesbian too!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..GET IT “LICKING THE CARPET”? RUG MUNCHING?……..OH SHIT…..CRACK’S ME UP – I’M STILL LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I’M CRYING!

Needless to say, Capt Nutty starting crying and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the afternoon. Of course, I was laughing so hard all day I doubt I could have heard her anyway.

Gooood times, good times.

12 comments:

chris said...

I may be in love with you.

alfredsmom said...

You know what's funny to think about? One day POD will wear a nice business suit and have a normal day job. THen you can look back on these times with fondness...

astrocoz said...

Brilliant!

I don't get the stigma with the whole lesbo thing. They should be happy, cause at least she can't get pregnant! Thats what my mom says about her friend's kid. Besides haven't they heard about LUGs? Lesbian until graduation...its all the rage in CA right now. All the cool kids are doing it cause of that OC show.

The Macek Collective said...

Man....I love Krystal. Like a Southern White Castle. Anyone named after a fast food franchise can't be all that bad.

Idontbelonghere said...

Ah yes, nothing says Trashy like Krystal with a K. I thought you had to be Latino to be in the Latin Kings? Or is she some weird Hybrid, a latino girl with a white trash name. Oh well, I was wondering if you could help me with something... I'm heading to Atlanta on Saturday, and was wondering what I should try to see, where I should go to eat. I'm going for training for my new job, but I figure i should have a little time to kill. Anything that can help would be appreciated. You can send it to erehgnolebtnodi at yahoo dot com. Thanks in advance!

VI said...

I am happy you are back!
I so very much enjoy reading your blog... and you brought it on our first day back.

I just found out one of my old school mates is a lesbian. I haven't talked to her in the last 10 years... and I got her email address and wrote her. She said she was married and that she's getting a divorce. I asked her about it and she's divorcing one wife to get a new one. I was like... okay. (There has been rumors she was lesbian in highschool... but she totally denied it.) I mean, whatever... it's her deal.
That's the whole story. I just really wanted to type it somewhere... so here it is.

Lola said...

Oh fuck Floyd, I laughed so hard beer shot out of my nose.

Julie said...

Great, take an hour this morning to make my makeup allll pretty and you write this fucking post that has me laughing so hard I'm crying. Too funny my friend, too funny!

Dancewriter said...

Welcome back! I missed reading your blog...

Too funny about your dog comment. That was classic! Made me laugh out loud in my cubicle at work. (More fuel for the fire that Dancewriter is crazy...)

Magoozie said...

Floyd...!
Muy dear how I have missed you! and thanks for the uncontrolling laughter. thank god i wasnt in a bar stool, i would have been the preverbial drunk on the floor at this point.. however sitting at work and trying to talk to a pilot on the radio while having mental pictures of a 4 legged carpet muncher wasn't much easier! glad your back hun, see ya!

Gas Man said...

I love reading your blog. I wish there were more race stories. On another note, I too have a skillet licker/slit licker named Krystal that I work with. She has a mean right hook and just last week she decked her man-girl or girl-man not 21 paces from me. Please do not let this alarm you. I was there to save the day and called for back-up. The fire dept. was there in a jiffy. One more new note... just like idontbelonghere I too will be comming to Atlanta for some much needed r&r.

Gas Man said...

forgot to explain the r&r. I'm only but 4 hours away. Maybe we can do a 3 or 4 way with some of your friends. Cowboy Dan and Kitty sound like fun. You pick the time and date and I willlll be there!!!