Friday, June 17, 2005

The Stars Are Murky

So I've emerged from my 4 day drunken binger for a brief respite. I pick up the paper this moring to reconnect with the "real world". I of course flip right to the comics and horroscope section.

Where I am met with the little tidbit:

Gemini: "Buy something beautiful to please your lover." Well, smack my ass and call me Sally! I'm going to have a lover!

Holy shit. What do I do now? "BUY SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL"! What the hell does that mean? I don't even know my lover yet - how do I know what they want? Shit, shit, shit. Such pressure.

Is this one of those buy your fella a big present? Or is it one of those buy yourself something sexy and THAT is the present? And if THAT is the present, how do I know if he's a silk thingy kinda guy or a leather chaps and whip sorta guy?

I mean this HAS to mean that I'm getting a LOVER right? I mean what does my vibrator need with something beautiful? Right?

And holy crap, who exactly is this lover? (Please note: all references to "lover" should be read with the sound of some slick latin dude saying looooooooover cause that's how I'm saying it)

I mean I guess I'm going to have to leave the house if I'm to get a new lover today - cause you know I really don't want the new lover to be the exterminator guy (though I did see that once in a porn and it seemed to work out pretty well).

Who could this guy possibly be? And does he know he's all set up for a beautiful present?

Could it be the movers next door? They looked pretty hot. Perhaps I should go do the kindly neighbor routine and offer them a lemonade. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink - a LEMONADE.

Could it be my doctor? I'm trying to get in to see him and see if he can rectify this hacking "cough up a lung" illness that seems to be lingering worse than a case of syphillis. There's nothing hotter than a chick with voice like sandpaper and a cough like a coal miner. I think he's gay but maybe I'm supposed to turn him. I mean if Krystal with a K can take the POD maybe I'm supposed to recruit one for my team to even out the universe.

Could it be Gas Man? I mean it's quite clear that despite his protests to the contrary - he's clearly enamored of me. It truly makes no sense to keep denying his overwhelming love for me. It's a power bigger than the both of us, Gas Man, stop trying to fight nature. The quicker you surrender to the force, the happier you'll be.

Well, I suppose it's going to be a big day for old Floyd here. Perhaps I should take a shower. And of course, a waxing is in order - oh, what the hell, a little tops and tails spit bath could be enough. I'm overdue for my morning beer.

Wish me luck.


Michelle said...

Oh! Oh! Pick the doctor! And since you have to pay for the visit, maybe the thing you are buying that is beautiful is YOU! Even if you are coughing up a lung. WOW! I wonder what my horoscope says?? I hope I get something cool like a loooovvveerrrrr.

cowboy dan said...

Unless "Gas Man" is what you're calling your vibrator these days, I don't think it's him. Hooker.

HWW said...

Well, I like beer and nachos. You can buy me those and I'll knock your socks off. In the bedroom, that is.

The Paradise Lesbian said...

Unless it happened after midnight, I assume youare still "loverless"

chris said...

With those choices, I'd stick with the vibrator and buy myself something nice.

Oh, and using the term loooverrrrrrrrr is embarrassing. It makes one look like they're trysting with Jack at the Regal Beagle. Very 1970s.

God, I'm old.

The Macek Collective said...

Pick the doctor. You won't have the social awkwardness of asking for a set of stirrups as a wedding present.