So I've emerged from my 4 day drunken binger for a brief respite. I pick up the paper this moring to reconnect with the "real world". I of course flip right to the comics and horroscope section.
Where I am met with the little tidbit:
Gemini: "Buy something beautiful to please your lover." Well, smack my ass and call me Sally! I'm going to have a lover!
Holy shit. What do I do now? "BUY SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL"! What the hell does that mean? I don't even know my lover yet - how do I know what they want? Shit, shit, shit. Such pressure.
Is this one of those buy your fella a big present? Or is it one of those buy yourself something sexy and THAT is the present? And if THAT is the present, how do I know if he's a silk thingy kinda guy or a leather chaps and whip sorta guy?
I mean this HAS to mean that I'm getting a LOVER right? I mean what does my vibrator need with something beautiful? Right?
And holy crap, who exactly is this lover? (Please note: all references to "lover" should be read with the sound of some slick latin dude saying looooooooover cause that's how I'm saying it)
I mean I guess I'm going to have to leave the house if I'm to get a new lover today - cause you know I really don't want the new lover to be the exterminator guy (though I did see that once in a porn and it seemed to work out pretty well).
Who could this guy possibly be? And does he know he's all set up for a beautiful present?
Could it be the movers next door? They looked pretty hot. Perhaps I should go do the kindly neighbor routine and offer them a lemonade. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink - a LEMONADE.
Could it be my doctor? I'm trying to get in to see him and see if he can rectify this hacking "cough up a lung" illness that seems to be lingering worse than a case of syphillis. There's nothing hotter than a chick with voice like sandpaper and a cough like a coal miner. I think he's gay but maybe I'm supposed to turn him. I mean if Krystal with a K can take the POD maybe I'm supposed to recruit one for my team to even out the universe.
Could it be Gas Man? I mean it's quite clear that despite his protests to the contrary - he's clearly enamored of me. It truly makes no sense to keep denying his overwhelming love for me. It's a power bigger than the both of us, Gas Man, stop trying to fight nature. The quicker you surrender to the force, the happier you'll be.
Well, I suppose it's going to be a big day for old Floyd here. Perhaps I should take a shower. And of course, a waxing is in order - oh, what the hell, a little tops and tails spit bath could be enough. I'm overdue for my morning beer.
Wish me luck.