Monday, February 14, 2005

Someone Shoot That Little Fat Bastard Cupid

Well, yippee skippy, it’s Valentine’s Day ….again.

Top Ten Reasons Valentine’s Day Sucks Donkey Balls

1. My mother signs my cards not “Love, Mom” but with her full god-given name as if I don’t know who she is and why she is sending me a card.
2. I’m 34 years old yet my grandmother has once again sent me a cutesy little card with a kitten on it. Are kittens the universal sign of Valentine’s? Are they the official animal of Valentine’s Day? Are they sponsored by Hallmark? I think not.
3. Tonight, I will go to eat Mexican with my cousins and have to witness joy and happiness in other people’s faces which makes me want to stab them with my fork after tossing my sizzling fajita plate in their smiling little faces. (Please note – I say “eat Mexican” as in Mexican food, not as in “eat a Mexican” which has an entirely different meaning.)
4. Someone seriously asked me if I had gotten my dogs Valentine’s gifts – yes, yes I did…it’s called food and shelter. Like I don’t feel guilty enough for not giving them heartworm medication, now I have to worry that their little feelings are hurt?
5. Princess of Darkness is boycotting spending any time with me today in order to celebrate Valentine’s Day over the phone with her friends in Chicago – cause even losers over the phone are better than hanging with me. Nice, real nice – that’s the last time I paint her room black.
6. The only flower I got was single pink carnation from building management which they handed out to everyone this morning. And let’s talk about pink carnations, shall we? This is the white trash version of the rose. The carnation says “Look! I’ll give you a flower but only a cheap ass one that I can buy in bulk. And to make it festive, I’m going to dip into some sort of flower dye to make it a color not found in nature. Cause nothing says ‘I care’ like something that glows in the dark.” Save your nickel, you trailer living, wife beating yutz.
7. I did receive a Winnie-the-Pooh valentine from Anal Coworker (have no fear – Anal Coworker’s Wife is well aware of Anal Coworker’s pity valentine – his 4 year old daughter however is extremely pissed at Daddy for dipping into her card stash so rumor has is she put a rat poison cake through her Easy Bake Oven for a treat for Daddy). (Please note – this only qualifies as sucking since it is the ONLY one I received – it does not suck that Anal Coworker risks his child’s wrath to be nice)
8. Somewhere, somehow, millions of folks will be knocking boots tonight….and I’ll be sleeping with two dogs who apparently are pissed at me for not purchasing heart shaped bones for them.
9. Everyone seems to think it necessary to wear red or pink and be all “happy valentine’s day!”…..listen…take you cheerful ass self and your little well-wishes and shove up your posterior region cause you look like tomato and your false bravado makes me want to shove my boot up your valentine.
10. Despite my Grinch attempts, this holiday keeps coming and coming…it comes without cards, it comes without flowers….it comes without balloons, it comes without candy….it simply keeps coming and so I will not join in the festivities but instead will drown myself in margaritas and hope to hell the waiter doesn’t wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day cause I take no responsibility for the blood bath that will surely follow.

Much love,
Vladimir Poopshoot

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