Thursday, February 10, 2005

Ode to Cowboy Dan and Kitty

It has been brought to my attention with the subtlety of a sledgehammer that I have been remiss in failing to discuss my racing buddies, Cowboy Dan and Kitty. Apparently, my previous ramblings have left Cowboy Dan and Kitty with the impression that the entire Internet world views them under a false light (the "entire Internet world" otherwise known as my readership of 9 people –who by the way already KNOW them). So I would like to take this opportunity to clear up two of the many myths surrounding the legends of Cowboy Dan and Kitty.

Myth #1. Cowboy Dan and/or Kitty are my lesbian lovers.

Let’s make something perfectly clear. IF I was to start playing for the other team, I would leave them far behind and aim for some type of macho biker chick who could make me look all fragile and ladylike. Always wanted to look ladylike but with my propensity for swear words, it's not bloody likely to happen anytime soon.

Further, Cowboy Dan and I could never date as she is 7 feet tall and I simply am not as vertically blessed. Our Christmas card pictures would look like the Chrysler Building standing next to a Rhodesian pig farmer’s mud hut (and no, I don’t know if Rhodesians live in mud huts but I also don’t know if they farm pigs…so what’s your point?).

I also could never date Kitty despite rampant rumors to the contrary (hey people, just because we attend all weddings and family functions together doesn’t mean we’re planning on our commitment ceremony). Despite many discussions, Kitty and I have never been able to agree about who the man would be in our relationship. One would think that Kitty with her love of guns, recreational vehicles and all things mechanical would be the obvious choice but she refuses such a role in our hypothetical world. She feels her lipstick beauty trumps my short and dumpy existence to make her the June Cleaver to my Ward (fighting over the Beaver! Get it? The Beaver?!?). Besides, Kitty’s poor taste in men is legendary in these circles and I would hate to break her streak of dating non-drinking, personality lacking paramours.

Myth #2. Cowboy Dan and Kitty were recent candidates for Extreme Makeover due to their horse-like teeth and bad bangs.

Despite what you might think, Cowboy Dan and Kitty are NOT one knuckle dragging moment away from being two big old homely gals. Far, far from the truth. Both of my peeps are very good looking (and if I ever learn how to post pictures on this thing, I ‘ll prove it – anonymity be damned).

Cowboy Dan’s lumberjack ways attract many a fella to her manhands. Matter of fact, Kitty and I consider Cowboy Dan our “magic”. Her presence alone guarantees an onslaught of male attention at any racetrack. Thus explaining why Kitty and I dumped Fat Baby’s Mamma and replaced her with the younger, baby-less version known as Cowboy Dan. As an added bonus, Cowboy Dan always prefers to pick up the Ugmo (i.e. the ugly jean short and manjewelry wearing guy) in any given group of young (or heck, old) men. This of course leaves the better pickins open to mine and Kitty’s subtle charms.

Kitty is also very pretty as anyone in the Juniors department of Burdines can attest to. Kitty is a sly and tricky creature. She has been known to draw an occasional, impressionable19 year old into her web and has also managed to ensnare a few folks with NASCAR connections as well (Kitty’s always looking to share her NASCAR obsession). Men are often drawn to the fact that she owns her own deluxe R.V. (and right about now you should be able to picture the type of man I’m talking about…..yep….he’s a winner). Luckily, I keep the coast relatively clear as I often threaten to drunkenly “pop a cap in their ass” (you should be aware that when drunk I often turn either real ghetto or real Cajun – hard to figure, I know).

Soooooo….where does this all leave me? I seem to get all the drunken rugby players and a 24 year old that must be the illegitimate love child of Ward Burton.

Nuf sed.

Love to all,
Vladimir Poopshoot.

P.S. Princess of Darkness is here and she gives a "shout out" to you all and a "hail, Satan, prince of evil" as well.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Kitty says Meow Meow...way to go lil bit!