Friday, February 04, 2005

The Allure of the Buttery Nipple

The allure of the buttery nipple....or how a semi-sane 34 year old can be sucked into doing shots on a school night.

Can someone please explain to me why relatively sane adults revert to their shooter guzzling youth at the words "hey, let's do a shot!"? Let's think this trough - I know not to do shots. I'm a lover of beer and have learned through manyrepetitive toilet-hugging sessions that it is wise if I simply stick to Bud Light and let the rest of the fire water drinking heathens have their little shooters. But like a lemming to the sea, if I hear a "hey, let's do a shot!", I'm following right behind to my inevitable death.

And exactly who is this dumbass that sneaks up on mature adults and decides to let lose the college battle cry of "hey, let's do a shot!"? I have several theories.

1. He's the guy that is positive deep down that if you get shitfaced enough, you will forget his bad combover and askew orthodontry to go have a little fun with him in the back of his Ford Fiesta.
2. He's the guy that has made a small career out of getting plastered but for some reason, does not want to be "THAT GUY" who is drunk all by himself so he brings you down with him.
3. He's the guy that really doesn't know how to drink a real manly drink so he gets his freak on by ingesting small fruity cocktails in tiny little glasses to avoid the embarassment of being a grown man and ordering a Pink Panty Pulldown (okay, and we all know I went here just so I could say "Pink Panty Pulldown").
4. He's the guy who thinks he's being suave cause he's ordering you a drink....newsflash, rocket scientist, a shot is not a drink - it is a bullet straight to your brain which has already checked out of the party after the 7 or 8 beers you pickled it in.
5. He's the guy trying to avoid the carbs in beer so he orders a shot that is 50% sugar and 50% unadulterated brain squeezing alcohol.
6. He's the guy who was recently laid off from his job and he gets his jollies from thinking of you sitting at your desk the next morning trying not to vomit all over your keyboard and simultaneously losing whatever remaining grip you have in your ass cheeks (as Kitty likes to say, "Butt cheeks don't fail me now!" - but the subject of Kitty's digestive system is for another post another time).
7. He's the guy that is 40 years old but mentally is still in college so he sees nothing wrong with the party call for tequilla shots - he is easily identified by the uncut hair, rumpled oxford over a tshirt that reads "Rugby Naked" and says "dude" and "awesome" a lot.
8. He's the Jeff Gordon fan.....nuf sed.
9. He's the guy that owns (and wears) more women's lingerie than I do (not that there is anything wrong with that).
10. He's Satan.

Think I'll go puke now.

Painfully yours,
Vladimir Poopshoot

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