It's Friday and how can I be expected to work under these conditions?
1. Can someone please tell Heidi Klum to keep her legs crossed? She and Seal are going to have another baby. Which, of course, makes sense since she's been out of the hospital with her other baby for about 5 fucking minutes (and I mean that literally "fucking" minutes). Dude, I know she's hot and you look very similar to a dog's ass but seriously, keep it in your pants for just a month or two.
2. Would my DUI client please show the hell up?! I told her I'd be back in the office at 1:00 and it's now 3:26! For the love of all that's alcoholic, please get the hell here so I can go start to work on my own DUI! I'm starting to get that itch behind my eyeballs that can only be cured by Bud Light.
3. Did no one tell those new terrorists in Miami that I no longer work close to the Sears Tower? I know they were aiming for me. I know too much. I'm too savy to let live. One would have thought that their connections in the office next door would have informed them of my move. Better luck next time, suckers!
4. Is it really a good idea to be teaching the POD firestarting skills? POD is in "theraputic nature camp" where they are teaching her to start fires with possibly her own urine and stinging nettles, for pete's sake. Clearly, the therapists are unaware of the POD's "lighter collection" and my need to keep fires away from all of my belongings. Sure, it ups her confidence but really doesn't do a whole hell of a lot for mine! Dumbasses. Can't believe we're paying for this shit. It's like "Your child has emotional trouble? Well, let's teach her how to blow shit up! Does she know where the Sears Tower is?".
5. For the love of Kit, who the hell let David Hasselhoff back on TV? And you're letting him judge talent? If the guy knew what talent was, he would have gauged out his own eyeballs while watching a replay of Knight Rider simply to teach himself a lesson.
6. You know what I want to see? Mariah Carey and Britney Spears in a caged death match. I bet Mariah could kick Britney's redneck ass all the way back to swamp. But then maybe I could get Christina Aguillera to scare Mariah back into hiding cause I hate that half-dressed poodle princess as well.
Just a thought.
It's 3:42 - CLIENT HAS TWO MINUTES THEN I'M OUTA HERE!
Floyd needs a beer....or twelve.