I think it will come as no surprise to any of you that I once again have no cohesive topic to discuss (but I do get bonus points for using the word "cohesive"). Therefore, we are once again resorting to my favorite literary tool - the list. Aren't I cutting edge? Aren't I just so clever? Blah.
1. You know what I miss? The penguin. Not the Batman penguin but the Bud Ice penguin. You remember him? During the fiasco I generally refer to as "why are we fucking with my beer?" in which Budweiser introduced Bud Ice, they had a great set of commercials. This penguin would come out and he would be singing "doobie doobie dooo" to the tune of Strangers in the Night. The tagline was "just watch out for the penguins". He totally rocked. I mean I like penguins, who doesn't? But a Sinatra singing flightless waterfowl selling beer? Priceless. And no, this really doesn't have a point other than to say that all I've been able to hear for the last several days is "doobie doobie dooooo" and thus, no cohesive topic.
2. Me thinks the terrorists next door are getting closer to carrying out their fiendish plot. They have painted symbols over their business name in dayglo orange paint. Strange, voodoo, chicken head cutting symbols, people! I don't know what the hell they mean but it's my mojo all atwitter. And I'm not even going into the alarm bell that randomly goes off and irregular intervals. They have a peephole and I know they're watching me in the hallway. I feel their beady little "want to blow you up" eyeballs roaming all over my fine person (they're foreign so they appreciate a voluptuous broad - fuck y'all for doubting me). If I send a letter to Homeland Security, do you think that will cause the federal government to review my tax returns for the past few years? Ummmmm...no reason.... just curious....and no cohesiveness.
3. There has been some serious Britney fallout from her previous sit-down with Matt Lauer, and I ain't talking about her cleavage, folks. Apparently, not a single publicist for Britney was present for said interview! The horror! Who let this cheeto-stuffing, chaps wearing, doesn't-have-the-brains-that-god-gave-a-walrus, donkey-breeding whore on TV without supervision! Puhleeeasssse, people! I still have a headache from watching this debacle. Somebody rope that redneck in. Cohesive to nothing.
4. So I listen to the a Regular Guys radio show on 96 Rock in the mornings. I tell you this because they keep using a sound bit (bit? bite? how do I know? I didn't go the Columbia School of Broadcasting!). The sound bit is of Stewie from the Family Guy going "Jesus is Chinese". They use it all the time. AND IT CRACKS ME UP EACH AND EVERY TIME. I mean "people looking at me from other cars and changing lanes" cracking up. I don't know why - I don't think Jesus was Chinese but I suppose it doesn't matter - it just kills me. But it's not cohesive.
5. Dear God/Jesus, I would like to apologize for laughing at the whole "son of god is Chinese" thingy and for saying "Christ on a Cracker" the other day. I know it's not funny to use for amusement purposes but damn, You got to admit, the picture of Jesus sitting on a Ritz is funny, funny stuff. Love, Floyd P.S. I would also like forgiveness for promoting A.S.S. (Anal Sex Saturday) cause I really don't know where you stand on the whole "optional entry" discussion but as you know, I am merely the creator of the holiday - I am NOT a participant. And I am NOT cohesive.
6. Okay. No one else has come out and said it so I’m guess I’ll have to be the one with the balls. The little Angelina-Brad genetic experiment? Um…yeah….it has her lips. And that’s all cool and everything but am I the only who’s noticed that the little offspring seems to be unable to close her lips? Yep, two of the world’s most beautiful people have bred a mouth breather. Hell, even Britney and her man-whore produced a kid without mouth abnormalities (course to be fair, Sean Preston will be the first 4 year old on the playground to be saying “Fuck, Mamma, I dun crushed my cigarettes! Make Daddy Whore go fetch me nuther pack!”). There. It has been said. I feel better now. But I don't feel cohesive.
Well, as you can tell, I'm getting a lot of work done today. But seeing how the terrorists next door will probably be blowing my ass up in the next few days, it all just seems pointless anyway.