First let me say, that Captain Nutty finally called at 7:18 pm eastern standard time to complain that I had not called her all day and after all, she was the one had to "grunt and strain" 36 years ago. I just apologized so I could get off the phone before she said "grunt and strain" again cause now I picture my birth as very similar to passing a turn the size of Toledo. (Note to self: bring extra money to therapist this week)
Enough about me. Let's talk about me watching TV.
Last night, I hope you all caught Matt Lauer's interview with Britney Spears cause it was a priceless display of the aforementioned southern inbreeding. I expect on my next trip to Six Flags, I will see Britney in line in front of me sporting her bikini top and arguing that Sean Preston is tall enough to ride the Scream Machine if he sits on her lap.
After watching Britney, I flipped channels and found an interview with Bill Gates, the richest man in the universe and beyond.
So let's see if you can guess what happened in which interview:
- One subject chewed gum through the entire chat. Said subject worked that gum like a starving cow working his way through his cud.
- One subject sported false eyelashes that made Tammy Faye pea green with envy. Such eyelashes made me have nightmares about spiders all freakin night long.
- One subject made me seriously concerned that I was about to see some nipplage. And let's be clear, I want to see neither Britney's nor Bill's love nubbins.
- One subject said they loved their spouse because that person was "so simple". Ummm...yeah.....has someone informed this person that "simple" can also mean "needs to wear a helmet to avoid self-injury"?
- One subject compared themselves to Julia Roberts and accused Ms. Roberts of stealing her husband away from another woman. I'm sure Julia was sitting at home going "Oh no, she didn't! I will kick that homespun bitch's ass!"
- One subject kept showing Matt what god gave her every time she crossed her legs. Sharon Stone was in awe of her technique. Matt, on the other hand, looked a little green around the gills.
- One subject seemed baffled by the use of big words and could occasionally be seen rolling her eyes into the back of her head as if she had a cheat sheet stapled on the back of her eyelids.
- One clearly needs to hire new hair and make-up people cause Liza Minnelli is looking more natural.
- One is excited about the future of robotics and eliminating malaria in third world countries.
The similarities are astounding, aren't they? Hard to tell which interview was which! It's like they share the same brain!
Britney for president, y'all. She totally rocks and K Fed will be an awesome first bitch. Peace out.