Find The Crack Whore, Win A Dollar*

*And by no means is this meant to imply that I'm actually sending you a dollar

It has often been said by minds wiser than mine that the practice of law would be great, if it wasn't for the clients. And I'm here to tell you folks that I attract more than my fair share of whack jobs.

Just spent the morning with client who is seeking custody of his child. He actually said to me at one point, "You mean I have to go to court?". Ummmm...no...just send a nice Hallmark card, I'm sure the judge will have no problem just handing over a kid to you sight unseen. And seriously, if you don't stop responding to everything I tell you with "um, yeah, okay" when it is clear from the blank look in your eyes that you just don't get it, I'm going to beat you with the high heels you have forced me to wear to court with pantyhose even though it's 97 degrees outside.

I spent last month with client who wanted to fight to the death for custody of her children but due to her unfortunate habit of putting things up her nose while in the family room watching Wheel of Fortune, she lost custody. I then, in legal maneuvering worthy of F. Lee Bailey himself, fight to the death for liberal visitation for her with the children. I rant and rave about her being primary caretaker of children whom she loves dearly and how she's simply made a stupid mistake and "please, you Honor, give this a woman a chance to heal her relationship with her children". I win. I get any and all visitation....which my client decides she doesn't want. Nope. No need for her to see them after school every day, she just needs about 2 hours every other Saturday. Nothing warms the cockles like a mother's love.

I just got off phone with client who wants restraining order against ex-husband. Okay. Well, I ask, "Has he made threats?". Client says, "No". Well, I say, "Are you fearful for your safety?" Client says, "No". Okay, then I say, "Well, why then do you need a restraining order?". Client says, "He's just bugging me.". Ummmm....yeah....if that was sufficient grounds, I would have a restraining order out against you, now wouldn't I?

Yesterday, I sent my third bill off to the stripper (sorry, "exotic dancer" or "pole hostess"). I represented her in a DUI case and charged her a ridiculously small amount of money (Legal Buddy Rob scolded me). She promised me that she would pay me from all the "money she earned that weekend" prior to her going into lockup for the week. She gave me $160.00 and showed up at court with cocaine in her system. Wonder where the rest of my fee went? It's a mystery!

And let's not forget that DUI client that "just can't lose their license!". Ummm...yeah....then you shouldn't have gotten that third DUI cause I'm a lawyer, lady, I'm not Mr. Magician (Sidenote - I wanted to use Doug Henning as opposed to Mr. Magician but was concerned that my reference to this fuzzy haired, rainbow shirt wearing illuuuusionist of the '70s might not be appreciated).

Then there's the client that thinks "confidentiality" means he should tell you EVERYTHING like where he hid the money, his plans to defraud business partners or basically lie to cover his ass in a court of law. Guess what? Confidentiality don't cover all things, you amoral asshole. And if you don't stop sharing with me, I 'm going to start sharing with you about my inability to listen to you for more than 30 seconds a stretch or the fact that I haven't filed a single one of your papers yet.

And last but not certainly not least, my absolute favorite. The client that you talk to on the phone who after discussing legal business wants to ask you about your personal life. She prefaces her "small talk" with "and now, off the clock"....guess what, you old bat? I own the clock. I turn on the clock. I turn off the clock. And if I have to sit here and make nice with your drunken, anorexic ass, then it is most definitely on the clock cause if we are off the clock, then you will get to talk to the "real me" and me thinks you won't like that as much. Send a check and stop tying up my phone lines.

Ahhhh.....love the law.....love my job. Anyone need any legal help out there?