Tuesday, July 12, 2005

A Cry for Help

Dear Internet,

Hello, gentle readers,let me introduce myself - I am Floyd's liver. Floyd would like to be able to post right now but if any of you are still out there, you are well aware that her recent proclivity to drink has really dashed all hope for amusing antecdotes in recent weeks.

However, as you once found her occassionally entertaining...or at least as engaging as watching a walrus humping a rhinoceros, I turn to you in my hour of need.

For the love of all that's holy, someone give this chick a glass of water. And when she asks you to throw a little bourbon in there to make it "worth her effort", please slap the ever-loving crap out of her.

I used to be all healthy back in the day. All filled with bile and living a good life. Suuuurrre, Floyd and I have had our issues with fatty foods and a fondness for sugar. And suuuurrreee, the college and law school years were hard on us all - I mean the girl likes her Budweiser. But now, for the love of Jesus, Mary and Joseph (being a liver, i'm of course catholic), I'm pickling, folks, FLAT OUT PICKLING! I mean if you could see me now - no healthy pink glow, no filtering function, nothing. I think a piece of beef jerky could do a better job than me at this point.

After her recent ho'down at the racetrack, I tried to escape through her anus, but that butthole wouldn't cooperate. He said he had his own problems what with being fed nothing but chips and french onion dip for four days. I thought I could sneak out with that round of McDonald's but there just wasn't room.

And this just in, her kidneys aren't that damn happy either! They're threatening to go on strike and block up the whole urinary tract system. And friends, if you know Floyd at all, you know her urinary tract don't play no games. Those are some badass fuckers down there.

So, please, if you have a heart at all and if you see Floyd on the street, roll her ass out of the gutter and slap her silly. If you happen to see her with the whore dog, Cowboy Dan, tell her to head back to the rodeo and to get her own horse drunk and leave Floyd alone!

You, gentle reader, are my only hope.

Best regards,
Floyd's Liver


Magoozie said...

Floyds Liver....
Next time remind Ms. Floyd that she needs to party with those of us who have arms reach to said drugs that will cure ones liver, keep the kidneys flowing and would even keep such liquid out of someone's glass and in her belly.

Years of scraping such drunks of the streets and dragging them to "The Grady's" has taught one never to leave home without fluids, a banana bag (drugs that make you not drunk anymore), and anti nausea medicine...

For now though, One can only suggest a hardy cure containing two words..... BEASTIE BOYS!

cowboy dan said...

not to worry, floyd's liver, as discussed between kitty and I just last night i have generously offered to divide my liver into thirds and donate to floyd and kitty their respective portions. kitty and i agreed that it should be my liver rather than that trash bag floyd's liver because of my young age. oh please, no thanks necessary. it's just my way of giving back.

Julie said...

I'd offer you mine but it's pretty shot these days. :)

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Dear Floyd,

Jim Beam here. When I founded my distilleries over 100 years ago, I foresaw the problem your liver described. Back in those olden days, we had many gems of homespun wisdom. Many backwoods secret rural cures. I often shared these with dedicated quaffers who'd stop by my roadside stand to purchase my fine products.

I'm sure you're aware of the old water before bed trick. Imbibe a couple glasses. You may wake in the middle of the night desperate to flood the toilet with amber urine seven times and possibly fall back asleep while crouched upon the toilet, but you will feel slightly better the next morning.

That trick is best combined with others. I recommend you eat some fruit before bedtime, or before drinking. Apples and grapefruits in particular seem to have particularly potent restorative powers.

The next morning (or afternoon for you work at home types, like farmers) you must dive head first into a plate of eggs with cheese and a triple helping of bacon. Sausage is okay if that be to your liking, but bacon is the best for such an ailment.

The best solution of all is to drink your bourbon with some water mixed in. It's a light buttery drink not quite as delicious as the straight stuff, but it balances your hydrobiology throughout the consumption process.

Let us never forget the hair of the dog. Just a splash, mind you.

Good luck, and God bless bourbon.

Your proud distiller,
Mr. Jim Beam

cowboy dan said...

That Jim Beam...He's good people.