Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Why You Want To Be Me - You Really, Really Do

Alas, I realize that it has been quite some time since I last posted which does not really bode well for the readers participating in Reader Participation Day 2005. But to know me is to know my chronic procrastination and general empathy of all things pressing.

Without further ado, I have to give a shout-out to Cowboy Dan who correctly pegged the “Despite all my bitching and moaning, I’m still a corporate attorney” as the most annoying factor of my life on that particular day. So, a big whoop-whoop to Cowboy Dan. Despite her relative youth, she is oddly in touch with the bitterness that is the inner me.

Honorable mentions must go to Kitty and Fat Baby’s Mamma who spotted the close runner-ups of dog dying and kid I babysat getting married. Note to all concerned – dog is not dying, he is merely diabetic meaning no more twinkies for him and a lifetime revolving around giving him insulin shots for me.

I apologize for the delay in posting but it has been busy this past week or so. I have spent my time attending to the following:

1. Keeping Princess of Darkness away from the darkness…..go to the light, Princess, go to the light!

2. Trying to convince Captain Nutty that the best way to help was NOT by moving down here to live with me and thus driving me insane as well. My family has a need to make everyone around them mentally unstable. If you dare to stop smiling, my mother will calmly suggest that you need an anti-depressant….and then she’ll throw in a “it will help with your weight as well” which is really just the same as saying “hey, fattie, some pills might help that obsessive love affair with French fries that you’ve got going on so why don’t you fake a little mental illness and belly up to the pill bar with the rest of the family”.

3. Been keeping my job. Have become somewhat paranoid considering all the articles that seem to be popping up everywhere about people losing their jobs because of their blogs. Thus no references to job will be made and the threats on the health and welfare of Anal Coworker’s family will herein be restated – I know where you live and I know how to take a hamster and rig an Easy-Bake Oven to make it all look like an accident.

So now I would like to interrupt this recap of last week to share with you, gentle reader, the phone conversation that I just had with the Princess of Darkness ("POD"):

POD (in general funeral dirge mode) : “hello”

Me (in admittedly annoying peppy mode): “Hi!”

POD: “oh hi”

Me: “How was school?”

POD: “why?”

Me: “because I want to know how your day went”

POD: “why?”

Me: “because I love and care about you”

POD: “why?”

Me: “IT’S CALLED SMALL TALK – GET OVER IT. now, how was your day?”

POD: (heavy sigh) “fine”

Me: (and here you can just see me begging for punishment) “what are you doing?”

POD: “why?”

Me: “because I love and care about you”

POD: (heavy sigh) “watching tv”

Me: “do you have any homework?”

POD: (heavy sigh) “why?”

Me: “screw this. I know monkeys with better conversational skills – clean the kitchen”

POD: “fine” click

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, envy me….envy me.

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