Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Forgive My Absence As I Was Celebrating A.S.S.

Hello, gentle readers. I have missed you. Sorry for my absence but rest assured I have spent the past few days wallowing in the beer filled paradise that is my life – in other words, I’ve been bogged down with the details of functioning and couldn’t find time for you, gentle reader, but have no fear, I’m back and semi-sober to boot.

Spent the weekend at the Atlanta Race with Cowboy Dan, Kitty and my father. That’s right – my father accompanies us to all Atlanta Races to ensure I do not besmirch the fine family name….but he’s rarely that successful at it.

We managed to worm our way into the Victory Lane celebration after the truck race and generally made large, loud redneck asses out of ourselves by telling Ron Hornaday (winner of said truck race) to move his little victory party over so we could get a picture of ourselves with a cell phone camera. Please note – carting around all your beer goodness in a little cooler on wheels does not garner the respect and admiration you may initially think in Victory Lane.

On Saturday, we celebrated A.S.S., the new holiday known as Anal Sex Saturday. Now, let me be perfectly clear, by celebrating I mean I used the phrases “he clearly took it up the poop shoot last night” or “her’s is soooo NOT an exit only orifice” or “he’s got an ass for loving and a face for the pillows” on several occasions. I find if you really want to get a party rocking and get the folks a movin’ – mention a little ass play and watch the mayhem ensue. Please note - I in no way support or condemn folks’ interests in the anal arts – your backdoor, your choice – I however do not practice such tomfoolery as I am not married and am therefore still a virgin (that one’s for you Daddy!).

I tried to kill myself with a new drink concoction made be a track friend of ours – it’s called a Whopatoolie or the Whatoosie or the Whopapoolooza…depending on stage of drunkenness and general feelings of wittiness the drinker enjoys. This elixir is made of tequila and sugar….and frankly, that’s about it. Like Lucky Charms, it is magically delicious and may cause you to see elves. Please note – the amount of Whoppaponoosies I consumed may explain my invention of A.S.S. and the fact that I felt the need to carry Anal Sex Saturday over into Anal Sex Sunday.

As usual a fun time was had by all. There was some racing – hats off for Carl Edwards, Mr. Horse Teeth himself for pulling both a Busch win and a Cup win out of his hat – and there was a lot of drinking and appropriately, even more laughs.

So, let me just say a big “thanks for the memories or drunken lack thereof” to Cowboy Dan and Kitty….and next time, the dinette set is all mine.

Much love,
Vladimir Poopshoot

P.S. I have returned home where Captain Nutty is visiting for the week and is thus driving myself and the Princess of Darkness into general “in need of a straight jacket” land. Next week, Captain will be taking the Princess to Florida for spring break and I will be enjoying a return to single, childless land. To celebrate, I may just have to break out a Whapparoozie.


Kitty said...

Kitty would like to give a hearty shout-out to Cowboy Dan for traveling 600 miles in Endora to return to the place frometh where she came (atlanta), and surviving a night in a rest area, trucker speak, and the ramblings of Candy and Sparky during a 3 mile back up at 1:00 a.m. And for all that she received a smile from a chin-less crew chief.

Cowboy Dan said...

Thanks for the shout-out, Kitty.
And he's not chin-less, just a little less defined by the fat rolls that adorn some drivers' faces.

Pixie LaRouge said...

Ohhhhh! Thank you thank you! A comment! And from a NASCAR fan, no less! Who has an absolutely hysterical blog for me to become addicted to!

A.S.S. sounds like a lovely holiday. I'll have to join in on that one :)