Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Reader Participation Day 2005

Well, gentle reader; it’s time to determine how well you know me. That’s right! For shits and giggles, it’s reader participation day. I’m going to list a few things that are currently bugging the crap out of me. Your job is to see if you can rank the top five, in order, and then you will win a nifty prize (to be determined later but don’t be expecting more than a shoutout cause I’m thinking it’s gonna be a shoutout).

So without further ado, welcome the Reader Participation Day 2005.

Please rank the following in order of overall "buggin the crap out of me":

- Hey, ABC, it don’t take no 3 freaking hours to tell me Jen dumped both Bachelors, you rat bastards! Jen deserves to be in a disfiguring automobile accident and I think old weak-lipped John Paul may be just the guy to do it.

- The Princess of Darkness is still….well….dealing in the darkness.

- If it’s true that money can’t buy happiness, then why do I have savings accounts? DAMMIT!

- People who have to use exclamation points in order to get their point across. We get the goddamn point! Stop being so fucking excited!

- Captain Nutty is still….well….dealing in the nutty.

- I think my dog is dying or else he’s just faking it so I’ll leave his old ass alone - which would mean I’ve now been officially rejected by the only male in my life that hasn’t run screaming from me. *This excludes Daddy as he don’t run much…or scream much.

- Hey, Tracy Chapman, I got a fast car and it’s fast enough so we can drive away….. but I still ain’t got no better life, you lyin’ bitch!

- I hate people who aren’t creative enough so they use song lyrics from the late ‘80s to make their point.

- Hey, Fox, it don’t take no 3 freaking days to eliminate a couple of lounge lizard singers, you rat bastards! You can take your text message voting and shove it up your crack pipe.

- Despite all my bitching and moaning, I’m still an attorney….or as Billy Corrigan likes to say “despite all my rage, I’m still just a rat in a cage.” True words, Billy, true words.

- So I’m driving by this pasture the other day and this Holstein cow sees me and goes, “hey fattie, lay off the cheese products”.

- I’m not recycling so I’m surely contributing to the downfall of the environment….oh wait…I don’t have kids so why do I give a fuck?!? Go hump a tree, you patchouli smelling grapenut.

- A girl I used to babysit when I was a teenager is getting married in the Hamptons this fall…and unless some sort of nuclear blast that disfigures the whole world except for me occurs and I am the only remaining female with viable eggs (which let’s be frank – we’re not all too sure of that NOW)… I will most likely not beat her to the altar…..hell, odds of me finding a date prior to September? Nill.

Please submit all answers to my email. Have fun gentle reader as I must stop now before the temples in my head explode leaving an unsavory mess on the office walls.

Much love,
Vladimir Poopshoot

P.P.S. Anal Coworker has informed me that it is not Billy "Corrigan" so much as it is "Corgan"...clearly Anal Coworker is focusing too much on the literal meaning and not so much the overall picture conjured. His youth must have been spent banging his head along with various other malcontents at Smashing Pumpkins concerts. Name change, duly noted

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Bitter? Party of one?