Wednesday, August 23, 2006

And I Didn't Have To Go Through Labor

The POD is readjusting to civilian life. School has started and we are settling back into a routine. She is still the same child that I sent away to camp but there is a subtle improvement. She has matured some over the summer, which is welcome relief. However, she still wants to watch every episode of Hannah Montana on the Disney channel. What can I say? She’s a contradiction in terms.

However, this brings us to my role in her life. I offer the following for you perusal.

A sister feeds you mini-pizza for a nutritious well-balanced dinner.

A mother holds your hair while you puke up said pizza a few hours later.

A sister flees the area upon realizing the toilet is now clogged with vomit and a stench unlike any she has known before.

A mother rolls up her pajama pants and mops the smelliest mess ever produce from the bathroom floor while mentally cussing the plumbing in the shit hole house (ummm…. a mother might not use the phrase “shit hole” but it was warranted in this particular situation).

A sister packs a kid off to bed with a “Gee, I hope you feel better”.

A mother tucks said kid into her own bed and then sleeps on the 2 square inches of the king size bed that the child has not commandeered in the middle of the night.

A sister fetches Krispy Kremes for breakfast as requested by semi-recovered child this morning.

A mother makes dry toast and prays it stays down said kid’s gullet.

My point?

I WANT A FUCKING MOTHER’S DAY CARD, PEOPLE! A MOTHER’S DAY CARD! AND IT NEEDS TO BE HALLMARK! AND OVERSIZED! ONE OF THOSE $5.00 CARDS WITH FLOWERS ON THE FRONT AND MUSHY WORDS INSIDE!

A bunch of flowers wouldn’t kill you either.

I’m just saying.

5 comments:

The Paradise Lesbian said...

I didn't go through Labor either, but I can certainly relate to your pain as you well know!! Hang in there Floyd.

kari said...

Happy Mother's Day! Early.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Maybe if you bought her a Tori Amos CD she would show some appreciation. Not that I advocate such a radical demeaning action.

Sophmom said...

Yuck. BTDT. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm not anonymous- I'm just too lazy to set up blogger account. I came over from Crooked Cervix to tell you that I HAVE gone through labor, but you are indeed a mother in all the ways it counts! Your blog is funny- I like interesting people (duh...who doesn't?! who likes boring people...) Anyways, I'll be back! Kristine
www.perpetuallypregnant.typepad.com