Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Purging Purgatory

Dear Fellow Bathroom Dweller,

Let me start by conveying to you exactly how important bathroom time is to me. I have needs. I have issues. I realize that ours is a shared lavatory in an office building. I respect that this is not my personal space. I acknowledge your right to use such facilities for your own personal pottying needs.

However, you and I both know that there are very few females on this floor. As such, I have developed a sort of personal interest in our two-stall domain. I always use the second stall. You know this. First stalls creep me out as they are too close to the door of said restroom which puts me in fear of being discovered with my pants around my ankles and my cellulite bulging over toilet seat for the world to ogle. (Clearly this is not an issue for you but for my therapist but you see my point)
I like our bathroom even though the soap dispenser does not work. Thoughtfully, the Korean ladies who clean such space have provided a lovely soap dispenser for our hygienic necessities. I don't even mind that they provided Clean N'Clear facial soap for us to wash our hands with as their hearts were surely in the right place.

What do I mind? I mind you puking all over my toilet. Since they are so few us, it either had to be you or one of your little rug rats that you have dragged to work with you simply praying for the day school starts back up. I sympathize. I truly do.

We all feel the need to regurgitate our lunch from time to time. Someone who eats as much McDonald's as I do certainly understands a little post-lunch spewing. What I don't understand is how you managed to leave my favorite stall and not wipe down the toilet seat. Notice I don't even point out the backsplash you left on the wall (that would be rude of me). Even the homeless guy around the corner who I saw combing his girlfriend’s hair for fleas would look at the toilet and go “no thanks – a little too nasty for me”.

Do you not see the sign posted on the mirror by management that reads "if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie"? I was massively offended by management thinking they had to request professionals to do such obligatory maintenance but NOW I see their point.

I can maybe get past all of the things. I am an adult. Of course, I am an adult that drinks an average of 8 diet cokes throughout any given day so I must get past such issues or explode.

But do you know what I can't get past?

Going into the first stall to find you had somehow managed to puke all over that toilet as well.

I hope your kid pukes in your shoes.

Much love,

Floyd

5 comments:

Lola said...

This is exactly why I avoid public restrooms as much as possible. People are complete assholes when it comes to public restrooms.

cowboy said...

Have you thought about a little port-a-potty for the corner of your office? Maybe you have a nice file cabinet you could put it behind. I have one that I used to use when I was a Dream Weaver. Let me know if you need it.

Anonymous said...

office trash cans also make for acceptable receptacles in a pinch. Just so you know.

Sophmom said...

EWWWWW! I'm so sorry you must suffer this unspeakable indignity! I recommend getting even in some subtle way. ;)

kari said...

Gross. Sounds like a rant for Craigslist.