Tuesday, March 21, 2006

StopYour Breathing...It's Annoying

Okay, okay - I'm slack. I know this - you know this. Stop with the heavy panting. I'm blogging.

Blogging is difficult when coming off a three day bender. I'm hungover. I of course attended the Atlanta Race this past weekend with Kitty and Daddy (Cowboy Dan was playing dutiful farm daughter and was unable to play "giddy up" with us - she was sorely missed).

Of course, I'm not only recovering from inhaling 4 out of 5 cases of beer, one bottle of Jim Beam and one excelent bottle of Sky Vodka - I'm recovering from "Captain-Nutty-came-to-town-to-watch-the-POD" overindulgence.

Since I can only remember about 1/2 of my activities over the weekend, let's talk about Captain Nutty's activities, shall we?

1. She convinced my real estate agent who also happens to be my friend-who-has-done-everything-except-buy-my-house-herself to mow my fucking lawn. That's right, kids. I leave town and my mom cons my pal into sweating over my front yard. How long will it take me to pay back the-most-fantabulous-real-estate-agent-in-the-world? Hard to say, hard to say.

2. She "shared" all of her life troubles with previously mentioned long-suffering-real-estate-agent-who-hopefully-will-remain-my-friend-if-I-ever-sell-my-house which of course resulted in major water works on Nutty's part and a severe longing for a vodka and fresca on my never-will-help-you-with-anything-again-real-estate-agent-friend.

3. She discovered the POD doing flips on the monkey bars whilst wearing a skirt in the immigrant hang-out park down the street. Apparently, Captain Nutty arrived on the scene just in time to disuade two amigos from determining whether the POD was a shaver or a bikini waxer.

4. And last, but certainly not least, let's not forget that Captian discovered a nearly empty "bag of oregano" on POD's person over the weekend. Yep. That's a winner. Of course, POD admitted that she was "holding for a friend". I didn't buy the oldest excuse in the book and dragged her ass in for a drug test (which I made her pay for). And? Well, it was all negative. Don't know whether to be happy or sad. This means she was telling the truth - which means - Great! She hasn't been smoking pot....but also means, Great! She's so damn stupid that she really is holding pot for a friend!

I will never reproduce. And don't anyone ask me what happened to the bag of pot.

P.S. My good buddy over at Tinfoil Viking Science apparently talks to his little friend in his pants. Now, I would like to point out that I did not read this post prior to writing my missive to Sally. So this means one of two things - either Bottlerocket and I are truly soulmates who have yet to meet.....or we are both truly mental and will be living out our days together in a fine state run mental facillity in Harvey, Illinois. Hell, who are we kidding....it probably means both.


Pixie LaRouge said...

Captain Nutty's antics are just what I needed today. Suddenly my mother seems... sane. Well, maybe not "sane," but at least "tolerable."

Oh. My. Gawd. POD is a bit, erm, flakey at times, ain't she. Thump her over the head a few times. Might knock some sense into her. If nothing else, might relieve a bit of tension for you

Sophmom said...

I laughed my ass off at the last paragraph before the P.S.

Join me in my commitment to getting out less. It works until those with whom we live drive us back into the bar again!

Great stuff, Floyd. Great stuff.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Harvey is a pretty decrepit place, but you're right, I believe there is an old abandoned nuthouse there. We could camp out in a padded room and drink bourbon all day long while trying to imagine and re-enact the mental deficiencies of long gone patients. Sounds like fun to me!

VI said...

Just fyi - all in due time is gone.

Feel free to update.