Monday, March 06, 2006

Putting the Spring in Spring Break

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!! It's spring break, my homies! And you of course know what that means? The POD has left the building!

POD retired to Chicago to scare the beejezus out of Captain Nutty and the Consort, otherwise known as the POD's-parents-who-should-be-raising-her-but-are-too-moronic-to-do-so. And yes, they are one set of my parents too, but let's not get into that right now.

Sooooooooo, what are the broader implications? I will be drunk for a whole week. Yep. Every hour is happy hour, my friends. If your a client, you'll be getting your work back tommorrow or whenever I sober up. If you know me at all, I think you know what that means.

No waking up at crack-o-dawn for driving child to school. No arranging plans around picking up child from school. No arguments about one's completing or not completing one's homework. Hot damn, this is going to be fan-fucking-tastic.

Of course, after 2 days my liver will be begging for some relief and thus, the POD will be welcomed whole-heartedly back into the nest.

Now, I AM expecting a never-ending string of weeping phone calls from my mother asking me what to do in certain situations. That is par for the course. For instance, Captian Nutty asks POD to empty the dishwasher and the POD tells her to "go lick Satan's balls". I clearly envision this type of exchange happening on a frequent basis.

But perhaps we should talk about what POD has been doing since she got home on Friday night, shall we?

She's already had a "talking to" with the local police. She thinks she was called down by the fuzz and is thrilled to be getting a little street cred. What she doesn't know is that the whole damn thing was orchestrated.

Y'all remember Krystal-with-a-"K"? For the newbies, Krystal with a "K" is the POD's former girlfriend (the POD considers herself a bit of player for both teams at the ripe old age of 15). Anywhooooo, Krystal with a K and the POD have been broken up for quite a bit now but they still talk (Hooooray! Keep those friends close!). Krystal with a "K" is also a former latino gang banger - cause when your kid is swinging with the other team you soooooo want her to be hooked up with a gang member. Krystal with a "K" got mad at the POD and thus has called out a "whooop up on her if you see her" request to her suburban gang-banging friends. This of course scared the ever-living-medicated-shit out of Captain Nutty who called Officer DoGooder at the local station. An entire production has been made where the POD was called down and given a stern talking to. So now the POD is properly forewarned about potential violence.

Sounds good, right? Sounds like as a 15 year-old, you would be scared shitless? Not so much the POD. She's loving it. She's "down wid it" and "rockin it old school"- none of which she actually said but I hear it in my head. What did she honestly say? My hand to God - the kid said to Officer DoGooder, "It's okay - I like to live on the edge."


At that point, my mother was seen scouring the surburban phone book for priests that conduct exorcisms with less than 24 hour notice....and we aren't even catholic.

Can't wait to share this story at the reunion! Folks in Mississippi gonna eat this up!

Barkeep - keep those Bud Lights a coming, please!


The Macek Collective said...

your family is kinda like The Cleavers. I mean..The Mansons.

astrocoz said...

"It's okay - I like to live on the edge."

Freakin hilarious! I swear I said something like that when I was in Jr High about someone wanting to kick my ass. She is going to be so normal, just you wait.

She'll go to college and she'll graduate, get a good paying job. All the normal ones were a bit psycho at a young age.

Anonymous said...

Floyd, get out while you can. This has the makings for a perfect lifetime movie - My Sister, My Roommate, My Killer.

kari said...

I love all the nicknames you come up with.