Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Price Is Right

I'm sure it comes as no surprise to my faithful and woefully patient readers to know that I can be bought. Yep, I will represent you if the price is right.

You may recall previously that I helped take a baby away from a crack whore...which is my ghetto way of saying I represented the father in a custody battle where the mother had a bit of a crack issue. I won. I was morally right.

Well, yesterday, I represented a cocaine addict trying to keep custody of her kids away from her equally sniffing husband. Moral boundaries? Not so much.

I swim in the moral ambiguity pool. Hell, who are we kidding? I ain't just swimming, I'm a sharking. And really I have no problem with that.

People like to hate lawyers...and I really don't care if you hate me or not...just pay me. Everybody hates lawyers until your ass is sitting in jail with some 7 foot, 400 pound Bubba looking at you like you're tonight's main course. Then see how much you hate me (however, please note - do not call me from jail, I ain't your mama or your bailsman).

We all go into law school with wide-eyed ideals of keeping the evil criminal off the streets. But then we rack up $100,000 in law school debt and you're looking at Jeffrey Daumer's lawyer going "you lucky son of a bitch!" cause you can't by that type of advertising!

I was talking to my old law buddy Rob last night and he told me that we practice "Come On Law". Example, "Sure you have tape of my client on 12 hour cocaine bender, but COOOOOMMMEEEE OOOOONNNNN! She's wearing a nice turtleneck!". Example, "Sure, my client knocked up a 15 year old girl, but COOOOOMMMMEEEE OONNNNNN! She's smokin hot!".

I'm thinking this approach would work well for me if I was in the current Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

Example, "Yes, Senator Kennedy, I did miss every single Friday class of Constitutional Law because I was hungover but COOOOMMMMMEEEE OOOOONNNN! Surely you can appreciate a gal needing a good drink!"

Example, "Yes, Senator Dumbass, I did belong to a conservative group at law school that hated minorities but COOOOMMMMMEEEEE OONNNNNNN! They provided free lunches and I can only at Taco Bell so many times!"

Example, "No, Senator Stickupabut, I do not recall that videotape being made but COOOOOOMMMMMEEEE OOOOONNNNN I'm sure it's an accurate protrayal of my day at the Delta Blues Festival".

Example, "No, Senator Talkstomuch, I do not know how I got all those beads at Mardi Gras but COOOOOMMMMMEEEE OOOONNNNN! Have you seen my rack? It's a crime to keep these beauties covered up!"

I would expect a lightening fast admittance to the Supreme Court where I would hire all the eggheads interns I could find and not write a single personal opinion.

Well, I take that back. I may write a few opinions like:

"Defendant is clearly a self-wetting moron and should not only lose on this appeal but should be shot to prevent others from following in his footsteps. And while we're at it, do the gene pool a favor and snuff out his kids."


"So the Plaintiff was sexually harassed? Have you seen her ugly mugg? She should be thanking the company for providing her some sexual interaction outside of her computer dating and t.v. nights with Battlestar Gallactica."


"Roe v. Wade? Never heard of it."

I think I can expect a call from the President at any minute.


VI said...


Pixie LaRouge said...

"I think I can expect a call from the President at any minute."

You might be right :)

And will you represent me after I'm arrested for a possible future lapse in judgement involving my fave driver and the hood of his car brought about by too much booze at the track? Somehow, I thought you might *g*

The Paradise Lesbian said...

Hell, Floyd, I'd vote to confirm you
and I know you! (That's a scary thought)

kari said...

I'm going to come back and read this again and again when I need a laugh! Funny stuff!

Anonymous said...

Ahem. I'd like to point out that my description of "C'mon Law" was actually an insightful and erudite commentary on the socio-economic disparities inherent in the criminal justice system, and in no way was meant to be a crude soliloquy on just how desensitized to general human suffering Floyd and I have become, nor is it meant to reflect the surge of scalding bile that threatens to boil inside my esophagus when dealing with ridiculous clients or apathetic prosecutors. The phrase “C’mon…” seems to hold the same sort of pseudo-mystical power over prosecutors that Obi-Wan demonstrated when dealing with weak-minded storm troopers; “These are not the droids you’re looking for…”

Why resort to messy legal arguments that invariably will prove to be my client’s undoing when I can achieve far greater success by blurring the line between guilt and innocence just a little bit more?