Thursday, January 05, 2006

POD's Big Adventure*

*Alternative titles - Why POD Lives With Me Instead Of Our Parents...or... For The Love Of All That's Holy, Keep An Eye On Your Kid

POD returned from her journey to the great white north of Chicago and she had herself a swell time. I mean a "smack my ass and call my Sally" kinda good time.

Let's go over some of POD's activities, shall we?

1. She managed to spend $150 between Hot Topic and wonders exactly how much cheap, gothic crap one can buy. Of course, she needs new shoes (and please, for the sake of her mammary glands, a new bra) but I suppose those are hard to come by in those stores.

2. She made out with some random girl in the elevator at Borders bookstore. Yep. Random girl...Borders...3 times...3 trips in the elevator. Yep. So very, very proud.

3. She managed to break a wooden chunk out of parents' bedroom door. Now, here's the thing, we know teenagers are destructive by nature, but how the hell do you break solid wood? And MORE importantly, what the fuck do you want in there so badly for? Good god, someone could be naked! Some parental type person! MY EYES! MY EYES!

4. She lost the following items: the charger for MY cellphone, my mother's razor cellphone, her school shoes, every pair of underwear she owns (I don't even want to know where these might be), the charger for her dvd player, her playstation, and finally my mother's sanity (though we can't really claim that was the POD's to lose). Notice what is not on the list? POD's virginity (hey, this is my fantasy land and if I want to believe it, I damn well can - get on board my delusion train or go the hell away)

5. She made out on the sidewalk in front of our upper-middle-class-so-like-the-Cleavers house at 7 in the morning with a psycho 17 year old kid who got kicked out of school and somehow has just beaten a rap for having sex with a 14 year old and having naked pictures of her on his computer. Captain Nutty was aware that they were "saying goodbye"....for 2 hours. 2 fucking hours. Seriously. Can't make this shit up.

6. POD had some Chicago friends over to meet her Atlanta friend that had joined her on her trip home. Chicago friends ended up duct taping up Atlanta friend. Again, really, really wished I didn't know this. Perhaps it was some new hair removal technique for her little gay friend? I sooooo feel a lawsuit coming on this one.

7. She found what she calls a mini condom. It's a condom that basically goes over your finger. I have no idea what the hell it is or where the hell she got it or what the hell you do with it...but, EEEEWWWWWWWW!

8. While in Chicago, she called her school down here and decided to drop pretty much every substantive class she could and picked up such solid academic choices as Drama 2 and Music. Harvard, here we come!

9. She decided her eyebrows which are making a valiant effort of trying to overgrow here eyeballs didn't need plucking. Ladies and gentlemen, my sister...the missing link!

10. She decided she wanted to move back to Chicago (not an option) since "Mom and Dad trust me so much more than you do!". perhaps "obliviousness"? You make the call.


cubbiegirl said...

Ah..thanks for making my kid seem normal :)

The Paradise Lesbian said...

Hmmmmmmmm Elevator, huh?

VI said...

*finger condoms* are used in industrial jobs... like photo finishing.
A photographic artist (the type that paints/air brushes or spots *on* the picture) doesn't want to send out the finished product with their prints all over the photo... so they wear the "finger condoms" to keep the print clean.
I am sure there are other places that the "finger condoms" are used, but this is the example that comes to mind.
(as my degree is in photography)

kari said...

Wowser. She keeps you on your toes huh?

Anonymous said...

Finger condoms are also used in the finger arts.

Anonymous said...

My husband had to use a finger condom when he had a cast on his finger and couldn't get it wet.

It is a wonder your still sane.

You need a vacation! :-)

The Crooked Cervix

Pixie LaRouge said...

Floyd, I'd buy you a drink, if I lived just a tad bit closer. You sound like you could use a few. I hope that, prior to hearing these tales, you had gotten to throw back a few.

Know anywhere to get a stainless-steel chastity belt?