Monday, October 24, 2005

Sybil's Got Nothing On Me

So I'm not really ignoring you....I can explain. Captain Nutty is visiting. She swooped into town with the Consort and here she sits (the Consort's visit was just a drive-by - he's already back in Chicago).

I would like to be able to explain a little more clearly what this really means but in true Floyd fashion, I feel compelled to make a numbered list to give you a "feel" (or reach-around as the case may be):

1. I have yet to have a conversation with her that didn't end with her crying.

2. Trying to check my messages while I was out of my home office, I called the "don't ever touch this phone because it is my business phone". Captain Nutty answered with a "Hi baby!". Uber-professional.

3. At the all important parent/teacher conference today with ALL of the POD's teachers, Captain Nutty asked the VERY relevant question...."you do like her, don't you? you think she's okay?". Yep...cause these folks really, really want in on our family dynamic and the fact that the POD seems incapable of doing her homework is somehow tied into whether they like her or not.

4. After asking the above question of these teaching professionals, Captain Nutty promptly burst into tears.

5. After eating half a bowl of soup, Captain Nutty started in on the whole "i'm sooooo full, just stuffed! couldn't eat another bite" while I'm sitting across from her inhaling every last drop as if it's the last supper. Next time, I'm going to ask her to just call me fat and get it over with.

6. As of 5:09 p.m. today, Captain Nutty has asked me exactly 84 times if I think the POD is okay. (Apparently the teachers' opinions weren't enough).

7. When she's not asking about the POD's sanity, she's asking about my budget and "exactly how much money do I need" (let's be clear - she doesn't have the money to help but somehow just NEEDS to know). Not a bad question but considering it's been asked and answered about 9 times, it's starting to wear thin.

8. When not worried about the POD, we must worry about her upcoming knee replacement surgery and what I will do if "she doesn't make it". And then she cries again. And no, I haven't REALLY answered that question....it's a no winner.

9. I have been asked 13 times if I am on some type of medication and when I answer "no", I get "well, shouldn't you be?"

10. Her nerves had her so rattled that she threw up in the Super Target bathroom. SUPER TARGET! MY ALL TIME FAVORITE PLACE! WHO THROWS UP IF YOU'RE NOT EVEN DRINKING? WHAT MUST THE SUPER TARGET ASSOCIATES THINK?

I'm going to the Atlanta race this weekend and my mother will wrap up the 10th day of her soul-destroying visit at that time. I hope to be able to recover enough to be funny again one day but who's to say.....who's to say, my friends.

3 comments:

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Once she's gone, your thoughts will return to bourbon and defecation. I have faith in you.

Pixie LaRouge said...

Hang in there, Floyd-girl. Like my dad always says "If it's not one thing, it's your mother."

Cowgirl Dan said...

Oh lil' bit, you'll be fine. You're more resilient than Kitty's skin after a night of wapatoozies.
Put your sally hat away and focus on forward to our weekend of racing.
And by the way - you and daddy are going to have to share a halloween costume. I miscounted.