Saturday, October 08, 2005

Oh, My Aching Balls

Okay, so maybe my balls aren't aching since I don't have any but my head is aching big time. I just may have overindulged a weeee bit last night.

Here's what I remember:

1. I was wearing some damn bow-flower-wrapping thingie in my hair. Cause nothing says party like wearing the ribbon off a birthday present - so witty! so fun! so damn dorky!.

2. I felt compelled to take my own picture with said festive ribbon in my hair and text message to friends who were not present at drunken fiasco. Humiliation is nothing if not shared.

3. I saw an old drinking pal from way, way back walk into bar and immediately called the POD to tell her to get her own damn dinner.

4. I asked someone to cut my hair and almost let them do it right then and there with a pair of rusty shears from the bar kitchen.

5. I related the whole "swallow not spit" story to a bar full of strangers. And yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.

6. I agreed to assume custody of a chihuahua named Stewie for an indeterminate amount of time.

7. I began to salivate at the sound of a cocktail shaker making up the world famous Diva shots.

8. I told a cop that I took a baby away from a crack whore. I'm seriously thinking of having that put on my tombstone - "Here lies Floyd, She didn't do shit with her life but once she did take a baby away from a crack whore."

9. I began to wonder exactly how long my dogs could go without food.

And finally, what I'm most proud of ....

10. I had a contest with a guy at the bar to see who could go down the furthest in deep throating a beer bottle...I won.

My parents would be so proud.


Lola said...

Jesus Christ Floyd, we ARE related!

I've done #1, #2, #4 but they were sewing shears, #5, #6 but it was a Rottweiler named Butch, and #10.

Anonymous said...

The disturbance in the force you feel is Macek in the 404 area code......

The Paradise Lesbian said...

Why, Floyd, I thought the bow was quite attractive!!

Cowgirl Dan said...

I have always found your "spit? I don't follow I just swallow" story to be one of the classics. I have peddled you and this story to many a drunk and unsuspecting stranger thru the years. It's better than the camouflage joke, in my opinion. Cheers, Lil Bit!

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Nice job on the bottle throating! What was your margin of victory?

Anonymous said...

Holy Moli Mosticoli... whip me, hurt me, make me write bad checks, I'm in love with Floyd.