Wednesday, August 03, 2005

If You Believe, We Put a Man on the Moon

Explain this to me, gentle readers. We can develop heat resistant tiles to protect the underbelly of the space shuttle during re-entry into our atmosphere. We can devise a protective suit for an astronaut to take a meandering stroll through space and repair said tiles when they run amuck. Hell, we can even figure out how to crap in zero gravitiy without getting yourself all mussy. So we can conquer outer space but are you trying to tell me we can't conquer butt sweat?

We have anti-perspirants and we have deodorants for the old pits. But what does the butt crack have? What does the shelf beneath the boobies have? What does the cleavage running down your spine have? (And don't even getting me started on the general groin area)

Some brainiac invented protection for the old armpits but then apparently decided - "Hey, good enough. I've done my part for humanity." He surely expected some olfactory genius to continue his good work and invent some miraculous products to leave us all high and dry. Well, his grand social experiment failed. Failed miserably.

And don't you dare write to me expounding on the virutes of baby powder. Been there, done that. I've gone out of this house looking like I just had a cocaine bender with Tony Montana but it has done nothing to staunch the flow of sweat down my back boobies.

In fear of dire repercussions, I won't discuss my theories regarding the giant Johnson&Johnson/Proctor&Gamble conspiracy - you know the one where they all get together the most effective ways to increase global warming so that we sweat more and then buy more of their ineffective products. Somewhere in Battle Creek, Michigan, there is gleeful laughter in the boardrooms. (and yes, I know Battle Creek is the home of cereal and not sweat products but trust me, Snap, Crackle & Pop are probably in on this too - never trust three midgets in weird little hats)

I call on modern science to get their collective heads out of their collective ass cracks (sweaty ones, I'm sure) and develop some all-over body non-sweatner. Cancer will cure itself but sweat is never-ending.


Free to Be said...

Why hasn't anybody written about this before? I'm totally with you on this one. Time for some all over anti-perspirant.

Anonymous said...

Is this why you don't participate in anal sex saturday?

magoozie said...

I completely agree, and sadly that is all i have to say... you summed everything up so nicely, that all I had left to do was shoot milk (okay, crystal light) out of my nose... nicely conquered!

Kitty said...

Just sit in your 50 degree house with your bottle of bud light...problem solved.

Cowgirl Dan said...

Perhaps I could turn my little friend onto the "chillow"? A chillow is a gel filled pillow that one refrigerates prior to bedtime for cool relief. I was thinking that you could use the chillow, not for your head, but rather your backside. Carry it with you where ever you go. Whenst you sit down, have your chillow ready and you will get a nice cool reprieve from the ever present butt sweat.

VI said...

Well, all I can say about it is that I am not typing for you - for a comment, but instead someone is standing in my office and I am being "busy" so I think this is funny... and I am keeping it... and I am sending it to you.