Sunday, June 17, 2007

So Where Was I?

Hi. My name is Floyd. And I'm a slack ass blogger.

Hi Floyd!

It's been 2 1/2 months or so since my last blog. And I'm a blogaholic.



All's right with the world. Well. Except for the following.

1. The POD is going to visit Martha's Vineyard. with her buddy. She asked me exactly where that was and I responded "New England".

Her response? "I DON'T HAVE A PASSPORT!"

American education at its best.

2. At Target this morning, I purchased some underwear (yes, I bought some underwear at Target....suck it). And they were normal underwear....nice....not up-thE-butt, wild print, screw me panties.

So checkout lady goes, "YOU KNOW! I don't usually say this....buuuuut.....(inner warning bells now going off in Floyd's head).....I really like to wear thongs! You should try them! They are soooo comfortable!"

Now, Ms. SharesTooMuchForTargetCheckoutLady is a big boned gal. I'm no small potato but she's got at least 100 lbs on me. I smile and nod politely - cause really what the fuck else do you do?

And just when I thought it couldn't get more awkward...

Ms. CrossEyedSoICan'tSeeHowUncomforableMyCustomerIs says, "You know how it is! Us BIG gals gotta stick together! We like to feel sexy too, right?"

Um. Yeah.

Discuss my underwear and then call me fat. Great marketing. And seriously, lady? I realize I got a few extra pounds on me but I've also lost a few recently and was feeling pretty good this Sunday morning but thanks for bringing me into your fat folds. And by the way? All fat people are not created equal. I'm still hotter than you - thong or no thong.

You missing link whore.

3. I'm taking the POD to Universal Studios this week. Captain Nutty and the Consort are paying for our trip in honor of my birthday (which was last week - bah.). To commemorate the occasion, Captain Nutty sent me a little gift to go along with it. She sent me a bottle of Beautiful perfume lotion....which is nice. BUT I haven't worn that perfume in about 20 years. One wonders why she just didn't break out the Love's Baby Soft while she was at it.

OH! And she also included a card. But not a birthday card. A thank you card. Yeah. I don't get it either.

Anyhooooo.....glad to be back will try to be better but bah. You know how I am.

P.S. What the hell happened to my title/masthead thingie? Dammit.


Lola said...

happy late birthday

Anonymous said...

Why don't you tell your readers the REAL news here?

Jody said...

Once after losing about 10 lbs my ex-friend saw me at the mall and asked me if I was pregnant again..... did you notice I wrote ex-friend...

MM said...

I really hope you are back!
I love reading your posts!