Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Fa La La La, La La La La

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas music, as I'm sure most everyone with eardrums does. As a public service announcement, I thought it best to inform you of what holiday tunage is absolutely cringe-worthy in the Floyd world.

1. Feliz Navidad. I'm all for blind guys singing (except for Stevie….really don’t like Stevie….but I’m all about Ray Charles). I got nothing against Jose Feliciano. But this latin fiesta makes me want to claw my eyes out with a taco chip.

2. Anything sung by Karen Carpenter. Her voice makes me think of harvest gold kitchen appliances and bad macramé. Every time I hear one of her songs, I eat a cookie out of sympathy for her whole "I didn't eat so I died" thing. Thus, technically, I can blame any and all holiday weight gain on Karen Carpenter. Poor taste? Sure. Plausible deniability of my own responsibility for my ass size? Absolutely.

3. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. For the love of all that's holy, it's a novelty song. Let it go, people, let it go.

4. Any classic sung by a skank. I don't need "hell to the no" Whitney Crack Whore Houston singing to me about the Christ child. I don't need Madonna purring her version of Santa Baby. Hey, you Angelina-Wanna-Be, we got it when you sang "Material Girl"! You like money! You like shiny things (not unlike raccoon)! Color me clued in! Now, shut the hell up.

5. George Michael's crappy Last Christmas ditty. This one in particular makes me vomit. If you recall, "last Christmas he gave you his heart"...this Christmas he gave you his bizness in a men's loo in some London public park. And seriously, all the more power to him. I mean if that's your idea of a rocking good time, knock yourself out but I really can't associate you much with the whole "celebration of the birth of the messiah" thing anymore. Wham that, George.

Now. All of that being said, I feel compelled to include Floyd's most treasured holiday tunes so that you can be in awe of my highbrowed musical taste. And for the record, I'm only going to include the funs and not the ones like Holy Night which makes me cry each and every time I hear it (Shut up. I have a soft side. And I’m going to Heaven. While y’all burn in hell.)

1. You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch. Stink, stank, stunk. Nuff sed.

2. Those Peanuts kids singing "Christmas Time is Here". Makes me throw my head back and sing like Snoopy howls.

3. Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt - I just like to hear her say "plat-ti-num mine". (kiss my ass, Madonna)

4. All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey (okay - so there is ONE exception to the skank rule).

5. I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas. Cracks my inner child up, each and every time.

6. The Chipmunks Christmas Song. Now, this is how a novelty song is done, you damn Grandma killers.

7. The Wrap Song by the Waitresses. My inner 80s child rocks out to this one.

8. U2's version of Baby Please Come Home. U2 could sing the ABC's and I'd probably by a version of it.

9. Heat Miser/Snow Miser song. If you don't love this, then you're dead to me. DEAD.

10. Elvis' Blue Christmas. I just like to sing along to the "wooooowooooo's".

And in the words of Burle Ives, "Merry Damn Christmas".


Anonymous said...

What about Dolly/Kenny duets? How can we have a Smokey Mountain Christmas without them?
Sister is questioning your intentions this very moment.

TMC said...

Color me nostalgic - I like the Peanuts when they do Hark the Herald Angels Singing. But only the part that goes....loo loo loo, loo loo looo looo looo