Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Oh Joyous Holiday

So I just wrote a full post about a client and it was lovely. Full of sarcasm and venting. However, just as I was wrapping things up, it occurred to me that certain people would know exactly who I was talking about and therefore I was probably crossing some sort of "attorney-client" privilege ethical line....and well, dammit, as much as I like to deny that I have such lines, apparently I do have a few. As much fun as it would be to skewer this person, I suppose it's not worth my license (which is printed on really nice paper so it might be worth a buck or two).

Of course, that leaves me with one and only one topic for the day. Valentine's Day.
Yippee. But what can really be said, that I haven't already said? Not much, my friends, not much.

I think we all know that I have a particular animosity towards Cupid, that fat little bitch. Howevever, today, I declare Singles Day. That's right, I'm celebrating the fact that I am single and not sharing my life with some snoring, bleching, hairy ape man (Stella, my black lab, looks slightly offended).

So, the following are reasons why it's great to be single:

1. I fart. Loudly and often. No worries about offending anyone (though the POD would beg to differ).
2. I eat chocolate for dinner. No need to fix no pot pies or no HungryMan dinners.
3. I still sleep in flannel pajama pants that are 4 sizes too big and have candy canes all over them.
4. I take off my bra as soon as I get home. No one to impress by their gravity-defying tricks anymore.
5. When I find hair in the bath, I know it's mine.
6. Speaking of hair, I won't be sharing how long it's been since I shaved....my legs.
7. I pee with door open.....I actually do a lot of things with the door open much to the POD's dismay.
8. I only have to deal with MY family, not some boy's mother who's life goal is to get him back on the teet. And as I think we all know, my family is enough for all to enjoy!
9. I only watch the sports I want to watch. I don't have to sit through Canadian, midget bowling just because it's on ESPN (unless I want to....I do sort of have a thing for midgets....ummm.....little people....they really do some mean bowling).
10. I have total, unadulterated control of the remote. No if's, no and's, no but's. This means a lot of Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy and Oprah watching (though she bugs the ever-living crap out of me).

So today I will not be receiving any flowers, no cheap-ass teddy bears holding hearts, none of those awful candy hearts with happy little sayings on them. I will receive no sappy cards (one from Captain Nutty doesn't count) and I won't have to dress up to go out to dinner with a 2 hour wait. I will not have to eat all the bad pieces of candy to find the one decent one with toffee in the center from a heart shaped box.

Instead, I will be wearing candy cane pajamas, eating pizza, watching the Gilmore Girls and probably passing more wind than a hurricane. Envy me, people....envy me.

5 comments:

VI said...

I am glad you have an evolved outlook on the day!

Good for you!

Anonymous said...

Your disdain for Oprah couldn't stem from a trivia memory lapse while on a certain Chicago-based talk show...could it?

Nah, you're not that petty or vindictive....

Sophmom said...

I hope I'm not "certain people". If I am, you may invoke Blogger's Privilege and my lips will be forever sealed. :x

Actually, I'm glad we got the post we did, instead, 'cause it was great and it made me remember that I had the weirdest dream last night about my leg hair. I dreamt that I forgot to shave my legs (lol - forgot?) and they were exposed and instead of the five or six hairs that are each about two inches long, my legs just got hairier and hairier right in front of my eyes (and someone elses' but I knew knew who). It was gross.

Hope you had a happy V-Day!

rosebud said...

Aww your integrity is cheating us out of a laugh? But you came up with a funny post anyway. I'm married but do a lot of the things on your list, much to my significant other's dismay! Ha ha.

kari said...

I have PJ's just like that! I bought a pair of 4x's...so comfy and only $3 on clearance. Gotta hold them up though.