Saturday, March 29, 2008

So....Where Was I?

Boy. Time sure flies when you're doing nothing. I guess I'm not really good at telling time or something as it seems it's been....well....a few eons since my last post. What can I say...I suck.

Anyhooooo....if anybody is still there, I'll guess I'll give you an update.

The POD is still alive and turned 18 yesterday. We are rapidly moving toward high school graduation this year and what I like to call the "Emancipation of Floyd" (not to be confused with the Emancipation of Mimi because Mariah Carey is way skankier than me). She will be returning to the Windy City to harass my parents until such time as she no longer has interest in the Disney Channel (she may have a slight maturity issue).

Speaking of the rents, Captain Nutty is as nutty as ever. To celebrate the POD's big day, both she and the Consort (isn't that what I used to call my stepfather?) are here to ensure big time birthday celebrations. They foolishly agreed to take about 10 hepped up on Moutain Dew teenagers to Six Flags and then back to my house for a cookout and sleepover. I will have no part of it. I'm in hiding.

Here's a fun little tidbit for you. So the Captain comes down to visit and keeps going on and on about wanting to get the POD the new HPV vaccine (you know that annoying "one less! one less! I want to be one less!" commercial). And when I say "going on and on", I mean the damn Captain wouldn't shut her pie hole about it.

So I finally say "What the hell? We'll ask her doctor about it when we get a chance!"

Captain Nutty immediately starts crying as I have now raised my voice in an angry-like fashion which is unacceptable.

She cries out to me, "BUT I DON'T WANT HER GETTING AIDS!"

That's right.

The Captain thought it was a vaccine against HIV. Yep. The world had discovered a vaccine against the most horrifying disease of modern times but we were simply going to let the world know through a commercial with jump roping girls.

Yep. Can't make this shit up.

Wait? You want more? You say I owe you more due to my long absence? Well, if my public demands it! (and by my public, I surely mean the voices in my head as no one is left to read my pathetic drivel)

Last trip, Captain Nutty and I went out to a nice dinner to "discuss" the POD situation. I order a lovely pasta dish. Now, this restaurant apparently makes their own sausage which they served as a side dish to my pasta. I'm generally not a sausage fan as you never really know what they put in it and it tends to disagree with my delicate sensibilities. But what the hell. It's a nice restaurant.

I take a bite and it's quite good. So, I offer the Captain a bite.

She takes a bite. Her response?

"Wow! You can really taste the anus in it!"

Yep.

"Mom, do you possibly mean "anise"?"

"Oh."

Needless to say, my sausage munching was done for the evening.

Well, folks, I will leave you now but hopefully I'm back. Hopefully, I'll be better this time. Hopefully, there will be wine.

3 comments:

Lola said...

Somehow I'm imagining a dinner with me, you, Captain Nutty and The Mommy (if your adoption goes through) and I'm oddly frightened and excited at the same time.

Anonymous said...

Well I can't believe this one. First you show up at the hairdresser and here I am on my 6th day of being sick as hell with Mr. Happy trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me(I don't mean the illness) and there you are blogging. God is good! I am not alone!

Anonymous said...

It's amazing that we can walk upright with the parents we were given. I laughed out loud at the HIV story. God love them.