A Tactical Error

Time to pity me. On Friday while my best buds were in Daytona celebrating the advent of the racing season, I was sitting in a legal seminar as the state bar requires us to attend from time to time. And not only was it LEGAL in nature, it was about freaking bankruptcy. So, I spent 6 freaking-want-to-stab-myself-in-the-eye-with-a-fork hours learning about changes in bankruptcy laws. Jealous?

So, I'm crammed into this ballroom in downtown Atlanta with about 200 of my closest legal pals, sitting ass cheek to ass cheek cause god forbid they waste one precious money-making inch. I "listen" to some dude drone on and on about an area of law that I intend to never practice again. Good times.

Well, by the time lunch rolled around, I was visualizing stripping down to what the good Lord gave me and running up and down the aisle screaming "I've got your Chapter 13 Plan in my pants!!!"

Needless to say, I thought that spending lunch eating rubber chicken with these numbnuts might possibly mean the end of my legal career (or at least the end of my life free of straight jackets).

So, free lunch or no free lunch, I thought it best to venture out. And this, gentle readers, is where I made a tactical error.

You see, previously mentioned hotel is in the part of "nobody-comes-here-except-tourists" Atlanta. My luncheon options were limited. However, I spotted the Hard Rock Cafe a couple of doors down and thought, "well, a $12 salad is still better than rubber chicken with the brain dead bankruptcy bar" so I journeyed forth into tourista land.

Now, let's be clear - I've never been to a Hard Rock Cafe but I clearly expected overpriced food, tacky decor, loud rock music and JoeBob/BettyJane from out-yonder who is just in the city for a spell. Fair nuff.

I took a seat at the bar which overlooked the whole restaurant and at noon wasn't crowded (apparently Atlanta tourists dont' drink until a more respectable hour and therefore are real Sallies). Well, I ordered a quesidilla (no one really bought the salad line, did they?) and began to enjoy the "ambience".

Now, let's talk music, shall we? The name of the place is HARD rock....I get the Foo Fighters, I get the Green Day....but Will Smith getting jiggy wid it? Not so much. But whatever floats their hard rocking boat.

Do you feel the turning point coming? Cause it's a coming!

The waitres brings me the Hard Rock version of a nouveau, art-deco quesidilla and I prepare to strap on the old feebdag.

And then I hear the Village People. The old familiar strains of Y.M.C.A. that makes everyone under the age of 50 throw their arms in the air with spastic gay glee.

Still. I'm good.

But then I realize that 3 waitresses have taken all the surrounding bar stools from my side and lined them right behing my back so that they are facing the entire restaurant down below. Then they proceed to shimmy on up those bar stools so that they can lead the restaurant in the Hard Rock version of the Y.M.C.A. which I swear included a little shoutout to the Batusie. Said waitresses who will now be referred to as those Fucking Whores, were doing their prearranged boogie right behind my fat ass.

Now in general, I'm not against an exuberant display of disco Sally. I'm cool. I'm all J.J. and "DY-NO-MITE!" . But give me a freaking break. I DO mind when said retro-doings are occurring directly behing my broad Batusie butt so that the whole restaurant patronage can watch me taking my first big old bite of my meal. I could practically hear the calls of "Who gave the Fattie guacomole? Was that really wise?"

I silently stewed and thought "I'll just eat my $20 lunch and get the hell out of Dodge". No worries.

But of course that was when the junior high cheerleading squad just off the incest bus from butt-fuck Georgia pulled in for some fun. Apparently, a little event they like to call Cheer Georgia was happening and every 70 pound, 13 year old felt compelled to dine out in their flannel pajama bottoms and their fake birkenstocks. They, of course, were all about the atmosphere but even these little prepubscent monsters refrained from dancing. Unlike the dork in the short sleeve dress shirt sitting next to me at the bar. Seriously, I wasn't sure he needed medical intervention or not but decided he was simply getting his groove on.

Still no worries. I'll just eat my $30 meal a little quicker and retreat to the safe dry world of bankruptcy. (And right now, if you can hear Revrend Lovejoy going "Constancy....sweeeeeeet constancy" in your head, give yourself a gold star cause I'm a hearing it)

What was the breaking point? Well, let me tell you. It appeared in the form of a gaggle of college boys who joined me at the bar. They all decided it was "beer-thirty somewhere! wooohoo!" and franky, I gave them a mental "attaboy!" cheer.

However, to my dismay I quickly learned this gaggle was a passle of "country cousin come to town" kinda rubes. They all got really, really excited that there was beer on tap. Lots of high-fiving and "git-r-dun's". But then the startling moment of exultation! They realized that the bar had.....BUDWEISER ON TAP! MY GOD! THE JOY! THE SHEER UNADULTERATED JOY! I MEAN REALLY WHEN DO YOU EVER SEE THAT! WE NEED TO HOLLER! WE NEED TO SHOUT OUR JOY OF DISCOVERY!

That's right, gentle reader, these butt buddies got excited about a Bud being on tap. I haven't seen such celebration since the wall came down.

So, as I was trying to de-ass the area, they ordered about 7 buds.....and 1 Long Island Iced Tea (I didn't spot the token closeted gay guy but he must have been there somewhere).

That was the proverbial straw. I made my way back to the sweet, dry world of law and scolded myself for not taking the free lunch.

And worst of all? The damn seminar didn't even serve any after lunch cookies. Cheap ass bankruptcy bastards. I shall never stray again.

Oh Joyous Holiday

So I just wrote a full post about a client and it was lovely. Full of sarcasm and venting. However, just as I was wrapping things up, it occurred to me that certain people would know exactly who I was talking about and therefore I was probably crossing some sort of "attorney-client" privilege ethical line....and well, dammit, as much as I like to deny that I have such lines, apparently I do have a few. As much fun as it would be to skewer this person, I suppose it's not worth my license (which is printed on really nice paper so it might be worth a buck or two).

Of course, that leaves me with one and only one topic for the day. Valentine's Day.
Yippee. But what can really be said, that I haven't already said? Not much, my friends, not much.

I think we all know that I have a particular animosity towards Cupid, that fat little bitch. Howevever, today, I declare Singles Day. That's right, I'm celebrating the fact that I am single and not sharing my life with some snoring, bleching, hairy ape man (Stella, my black lab, looks slightly offended).

So, the following are reasons why it's great to be single:

1. I fart. Loudly and often. No worries about offending anyone (though the POD would beg to differ).
2. I eat chocolate for dinner. No need to fix no pot pies or no HungryMan dinners.
3. I still sleep in flannel pajama pants that are 4 sizes too big and have candy canes all over them.
4. I take off my bra as soon as I get home. No one to impress by their gravity-defying tricks anymore.
5. When I find hair in the bath, I know it's mine.
6. Speaking of hair, I won't be sharing how long it's been since I shaved....my legs.
7. I pee with door open.....I actually do a lot of things with the door open much to the POD's dismay.
8. I only have to deal with MY family, not some boy's mother who's life goal is to get him back on the teet. And as I think we all know, my family is enough for all to enjoy!
9. I only watch the sports I want to watch. I don't have to sit through Canadian, midget bowling just because it's on ESPN (unless I want to....I do sort of have a thing for midgets....ummm.....little people....they really do some mean bowling).
10. I have total, unadulterated control of the remote. No if's, no and's, no but's. This means a lot of Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy and Oprah watching (though she bugs the ever-living crap out of me).

So today I will not be receiving any flowers, no cheap-ass teddy bears holding hearts, none of those awful candy hearts with happy little sayings on them. I will receive no sappy cards (one from Captain Nutty doesn't count) and I won't have to dress up to go out to dinner with a 2 hour wait. I will not have to eat all the bad pieces of candy to find the one decent one with toffee in the center from a heart shaped box.

Instead, I will be wearing candy cane pajamas, eating pizza, watching the Gilmore Girls and probably passing more wind than a hurricane. Envy me, people....envy me.

Look At Me! Look At Me!

Well smack my ass and call me Sally....February 1 was my anniversary! As very appropriate for my life, I seemed to have celebrated by putting my dog down. Do I know how to party or what?

On a much better note, I also celebrated with a new look! I mean HOLY CRAP! Do I look fan-freaking-tastic or what? My old pal Zoot designed a whole new look for me and let's be clear - she totally rocks. I love her with a love that is slightly embarassing and most assuredly wrong by baptist standards.

I feel like I should have some wise words of wisdom or at least something witty to say on this auspicious occassion but as usual, when I need the words, they simply won't come (Kinda like my sex life! HA! Get it? Won't come? Sex life? Thank you, folks, I'll be here all week!)

Anywhoooo, so I went back and looked at my very first few posts....and wow, the fact that you people are still here amazes the ever-living pee out of me.

Perhaps some reflection on how life has changed in the last year would be appropriate at this venture. I do sense a bit of a pattern - which might be new for y'all but really doesn't surprise me at all. When I make some changes, I make some big ass changes. Nothing small for this kid...including the size of my ass but that's another post entirely.

Okay, sooooooo in the last year.....

1. I quit my job. There's a biggie for you! Quit job and started own law firm. Yep, also related - applied for that frontal lobotomy.
2. I became abundantly poor. See number 1 above.
3. My ass has gone from the size of a small third world country to the size of unified Europe. And I'm not even going to mention what the France part looks like.
4. I'm trying to sell my house to enmesh myself further into surburbia. See number 2 above.
5. I've had to substantially cut down on my racing time as my duties with POD have intervened. POD has met my "I will not change my social life to care for this child" mentality with her "I will do everything in my power to make you crazy and fear for my life" actions. Parenthood...it's a bitch and despite never having conceived, I have the stretch marks to prove it. See number 3 above.
6. Working from home means no more concern about surfing porn during work hours. (not that I do that because that would be WRONG and would basically make me a guy but it's nice to know I have the option).
7. Regular blogging becomes more difficult when you're not doing it behind a boss' back on the sly. I mean who am I screwing here? Where's the fun in that?
8. I've learned that the mortgage company will wait three months before foreclosure and a car company will wait three months before repossession. I won't say how I know this....let's just assume it's for a client, shall we?
9. I've learned that I'm a blogger stereotype in that I think I can write a book. And really who are we kidding there? Have we seen my spelling and grammar skills? Have we seen my inability to pull together a cohesive topic? Have we seen how much I like to use profanity?
10. I've learned it's possible to have blogging friends....and that you just might like some of them a little better than in person friends. (No offense intended toward Kitty, Cowboy Dan, Fat Baby's Mamma and the like).

However, most importantly, I've learned that it is possible for me to piss away and entire year's worth of time without ever really saying anything meaningful! Woooooohoooooo!!!!

Here's to you, gentle reader! I thank you for being here. I thank you for commenting. I thank you for not running from your computer screen screaming "MY EYES!! MY EYES!!!".

With much love,
Vladimir Poopshoot

Farewell, Old Buddy

My dog Ben had to be put to sleep yesterday so I thought it about time I broke the “stop talking about your pets” rule and let you know a little about him.

Ben was my law school graduation present (notwithstanding the green marble bookends with my initials on them – egad!). I found a breeder in north Illinois that had a big old litter (and for those of you who feel like giving me shit for going to a breeder, you can kiss my ass – I’ve also been a foster mom for more rescued labs then I can count so bite me).

I sat down on the floor and all these puppies came flying out at me – crawling everywhere like someone had jacked up their mom’s milk with a crack cocktail. All except for one. This big fat one (twice the size of the others) comes moseying on out and yawning. He walks over to me – curls up next to my leg and falls asleep. He had an underbite. This dog was soooooo for me. He slept the whole car ride home while I had heavenly visions of our future times together. You know those times - the ones where I would be reading a book and he would quietly lie at my feet chewing a bone. The ones where I could walk with him through neighborhood and he would calmly greet all passers-by and they would comment about “what a good dog!” he was.

And then we got home. That car ride was the last time Ben was calm for about the next 5 years.

I had purchasd the holy terror of doggiedom. The Canine Anti-christ. The reason people will tell you that they're a "cat person". And I have the scars to prove it….and I mean that literally. In his first year of life alone, he plowed into me leaving a scar on my inner thigh (I tell the boys it was from rough sex but truly it was from the dog….but not rough sex with the dog, you sick bastards!) .

He also managed to pull my dad down a flight of stairs (Daddy still blames Ben but I blame the 30 year old flip flops my father was wearing combined with his good friend, Mr. Smirnoff).

I am the only dog owner I know that has the number to animal poison control memorized. I’ve had to call three times – and they charge you $30 a pop. Ben ate a canister of air gun oil, the packet of chemicals that come with fresh cut flowers and the little packet of silica gel that come with your new shoes and reads “DO NOT EAT”…..Ben didn’t read so well.

And that was just the poisonous stuff. He also ate 3 remote controls, 1 cordless phone, 1 daybed mattress, 1 couch, 2 windowsills and 4 bars of soap. Needless to say, he blossomed out to a good 107 pounds of dog. He was a BIG boy and I loved that about him.

Of course, he was a 107 pound dog that was afraid of all toys that had eyes but nevertheless, he was a tough looking guy at times. A stuffed monkey that I brought home scared the bejeezbus out of him.

Once I came out of the shower to discover that he had managed to open a new box of 1000 q-tips. He artfully scattered them throughout the entire apartment and still had about 50 of them sticking out from his gums when I caught him. He looked like he had eaten a colony of little tiny q-tip people.

If you didn’t continuously throw his tennis ball, he barked at you. If you were on the phone, he barked at you. If he saw a fly, he barked at you. If he felt your mind was on anything but entertaining him, he barked at you. And then sometimes, he just stood in the middle of the room barking at you.

One night he farted so loudly that he woke himself up. He spun around and started barking at whatever had snuck up behind him. I could never get him to understand that he had been startled by his own bodily emissions…Ben didn’t understand Biology too well.

No one even really liked my dog for the first 4 years of his life, except for me….and hell, for me at times, “liking him” was pushing it. But he did get older and did somewhat mellow.

He still had his moments though. He was at least 7 years old when in the middle of the night, I heard him downstairs drinking an entire bowl of water. I soon discovered that he had gotten an unopened jar of peanut bar off the kitchen counter…..a jar from Sam’s Club…..a jar of about 5 pounds of peanut butter. He had managed to open it and eat all that he could reach before his snout got caught on the rim…..and then he licked the sides clean.

Needless to say by the time I discovered him, he wasn’t feeling so well. Of course, about 15 minutes later, he threw up every bit of peanut butter along with that entire bowl full of water all over my bed…….and you might think you have an idea of how bad that smells but you would be wrong. The human mind can barely comprehend that smell. However, sitting here, I can still smell it.

He developed diabetes in his old age and became almost totally blind. When he started having seizures, I knew it was time and I don’t regret letting him go.

But he was my best friend. He was the first thing that was ever simply ALL mine. He loved me a lot. Which is only a portion of how much I loved him.

I Got Nothing

I'm not trying to be so quiet, I just got nothing. Nothing to say about nothing.

To prove this, I tender the following thoughts that have gone through my pea brain this day:

"I haven't worn clean socks in over a month."

"Good god, what does that mean for the status of my underwear?"

"Hmmm...if the feds are so all-fired-up on this wire tapping thing, does this mean their recording my internet porn usage too?"

"I think my head is going to explode."

"What is the probability of my ovaries staging a mutiny and leaving my body the hard way?"

"What in all holy hells is that smell? ....Oh, right, the socks."

"How many phone calls can a lawyer refuse to return before it officially becomes malpractice?"

"Wonder if people on the internet can tell when I'm picking my nose."

"Is pot roast fattening?"

"Shit on a cracker, internet porn isn't illegal, is it? Seriuosly, for $100,000 they should have taught us that in law school."

"If my law school reunion is in April, that give me 4 months to loose 100 pounds.....no problem....I can start tomorrow."

"Wonder if POD knows that I simply picked up her uniform from yesterday off the floor and gave it to her today to rewear."

"Wonder if any doctors will voluntarily wire your jaw shut even though you're not injured."

"Dude, I could still totally drink beer with my jaw wired."

"God, I've got to come up with a bloggable topic."

See? I told you....lights are on, no one home.

The Price Is Right

I'm sure it comes as no surprise to my faithful and woefully patient readers to know that I can be bought. Yep, I will represent you if the price is right.

You may recall previously that I helped take a baby away from a crack whore...which is my ghetto way of saying I represented the father in a custody battle where the mother had a bit of a crack issue. I won. I was morally right.

Well, yesterday, I represented a cocaine addict trying to keep custody of her kids away from her equally sniffing husband. Moral boundaries? Not so much.

I swim in the moral ambiguity pool. Hell, who are we kidding? I ain't just swimming, I'm a sharking. And really I have no problem with that.

People like to hate lawyers...and I really don't care if you hate me or not...just pay me. Everybody hates lawyers until your ass is sitting in jail with some 7 foot, 400 pound Bubba looking at you like you're tonight's main course. Then see how much you hate me (however, please note - do not call me from jail, I ain't your mama or your bailsman).

We all go into law school with wide-eyed ideals of keeping the evil criminal off the streets. But then we rack up $100,000 in law school debt and you're looking at Jeffrey Daumer's lawyer going "you lucky son of a bitch!" cause you can't by that type of advertising!

I was talking to my old law buddy Rob last night and he told me that we practice "Come On Law". Example, "Sure you have tape of my client on 12 hour cocaine bender, but COOOOOMMMEEEE OOOOONNNNN! She's wearing a nice turtleneck!". Example, "Sure, my client knocked up a 15 year old girl, but COOOOOMMMMEEEE OONNNNNN! She's smokin hot!".

I'm thinking this approach would work well for me if I was in the current Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

Example, "Yes, Senator Kennedy, I did miss every single Friday class of Constitutional Law because I was hungover but COOOOMMMMMEEEE OOOOONNNN! Surely you can appreciate a gal needing a good drink!"

Example, "Yes, Senator Dumbass, I did belong to a conservative group at law school that hated minorities but COOOOMMMMMEEEEE OONNNNNNN! They provided free lunches and I can only at Taco Bell so many times!"

Example, "No, Senator Stickupabut, I do not recall that videotape being made but COOOOOOMMMMMEEEE OOOOONNNNN I'm sure it's an accurate protrayal of my day at the Delta Blues Festival".

Example, "No, Senator Talkstomuch, I do not know how I got all those beads at Mardi Gras but COOOOOMMMMMEEEE OOOONNNNN! Have you seen my rack? It's a crime to keep these beauties covered up!"

I would expect a lightening fast admittance to the Supreme Court where I would hire all the eggheads interns I could find and not write a single personal opinion.

Well, I take that back. I may write a few opinions like:

"Defendant is clearly a self-wetting moron and should not only lose on this appeal but should be shot to prevent others from following in his footsteps. And while we're at it, do the gene pool a favor and snuff out his kids."

or

"So the Plaintiff was sexually harassed? Have you seen her ugly mugg? She should be thanking the company for providing her some sexual interaction outside of her computer dating and t.v. nights with Battlestar Gallactica."

or

"Roe v. Wade? Never heard of it."

I think I can expect a call from the President at any minute.

POD's Big Adventure*

*Alternative titles - Why POD Lives With Me Instead Of Our Parents...or... For The Love Of All That's Holy, Keep An Eye On Your Kid

POD returned from her journey to the great white north of Chicago and she had herself a swell time. I mean a "smack my ass and call my Sally" kinda good time.

Let's go over some of POD's activities, shall we?

1. She managed to spend $150 between Hot Topic and Spencers...one wonders exactly how much cheap, gothic crap one can buy. Of course, she needs new shoes (and please, for the sake of her mammary glands, a new bra) but I suppose those are hard to come by in those stores.

2. She made out with some random girl in the elevator at Borders bookstore. Yep. Random girl...Borders...3 times...3 trips in the elevator. Yep. So very, very proud.

3. She managed to break a wooden chunk out of parents' bedroom door. Now, here's the thing, we know teenagers are destructive by nature, but how the hell do you break solid wood? And MORE importantly, what the fuck do you want in there so badly for? Good god, someone could be naked! Some parental type person! MY EYES! MY EYES!

4. She lost the following items: the charger for MY cellphone, my mother's razor cellphone, her school shoes, every pair of underwear she owns (I don't even want to know where these might be), the charger for her dvd player, her playstation, and finally my mother's sanity (though we can't really claim that was the POD's to lose). Notice what is not on the list? POD's virginity (hey, this is my fantasy land and if I want to believe it, I damn well can - get on board my delusion train or go the hell away)

5. She made out on the sidewalk in front of our upper-middle-class-so-like-the-Cleavers house at 7 in the morning with a psycho 17 year old kid who got kicked out of school and somehow has just beaten a rap for having sex with a 14 year old and having naked pictures of her on his computer. Captain Nutty was aware that they were "saying goodbye"....for 2 hours. 2 fucking hours. Seriously. Can't make this shit up.

6. POD had some Chicago friends over to meet her Atlanta friend that had joined her on her trip home. Chicago friends ended up duct taping up Atlanta friend. Again, really, really wished I didn't know this. Perhaps it was some new hair removal technique for her little gay friend? I sooooo feel a lawsuit coming on this one.

7. She found what she calls a mini condom. It's a condom that basically goes over your finger. I have no idea what the hell it is or where the hell she got it or what the hell you do with it...but, EEEEWWWWWWWW!

8. While in Chicago, she called her school down here and decided to drop pretty much every substantive class she could and picked up such solid academic choices as Drama 2 and Music. Harvard, here we come!

9. She decided her eyebrows which are making a valiant effort of trying to overgrow here eyeballs didn't need plucking. Ladies and gentlemen, my sister...the missing link!

10. She decided she wanted to move back to Chicago (not an option) since "Mom and Dad trust me so much more than you do!". Yeah...trust....hmmmm....or perhaps "obliviousness"? You make the call.

Still On Holiday Mode

I survived Christmas and hope the rest of you did as well. I will of course recap the gory details later but no time right now.

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of Kitty from her south Flordia abode. We will be joining Cowboy Dan and Fat Baby's Mamma to ring in the new year right - and by "right", I mean by getting drunk in the woods of north Georgia.

I'll be back soon and might even feel amusing by that time.

Till then - rock out with your cock out!

Just a Drive-By Cranky

Some quick crankiness...

- Hey, dumbass client! Leaving me the same message 4 times a day wil not, I repeat NOT, make me respond to you any fucking faster. Matter of fact, it just teases the tiger within and I start to see how long I can actually go without contacting you until you ultimately fire me. I already have your money so at this point I really don't give a crap.

- Here's a thought....when I agree that your kid can come over and play with POD, that means for a short stint. It means I expect her not leave popcorn kernels all over my "on the market" house and not to talk at eardrum shattering decibels. It also means to pick her up at 4 so I can get my happy ass to the bar. It's fucking Friday - come get your kid or I'll let POD turn her bisexual so fast it'll make your rainbow flag spin!

- Hey, dumbass client #2! I can't serve papers on a woman for whom you have no damn address! Simply putting her name on a court complaint and sending it to the state of Mississippi does not work. So the next time she calls to harass you, please ask her what fucking county she lives in cause your ass ain't paying me enough for any private detective services!

- Hey, prospective dumbass client! Don't leave me messages saying your statute of limitations is about to run and you need me to take your case then when I actually returne your call you inform me that your "good for nothing ass of attorney" took two years to file your case. Hey, guess what, you moronic twit! He FILED! That means no statute of limitation issues. Why don't you leave the high level thinking to those of us with opposable thumbs?

- DID I MENTION THAT IT IS COCKTAIL HOUR AND I'M STUCK IN THE HOUSE WITH TWO DAMN TEENAGERS????

- POD got a C- in Art this semester. How exactly does one grade art? What is the difference in a 15 year old's artwork that makes a teacher go "hmmmmm.....certainly no Picasso but a C- seems adequate"? POD's explanation? "I don't draw good".....yeeeaaahhh, you no talk so good either, what was your fucking English grade?

Screw it....time to start drinking at home.

Happy fucking holidays.

Concerns of the Season

So I've been obsessively pondering so very "earth shattering life altering" things....well, not really, but the mind does drift to the below items:

1. Captain Nutty is currently coming off the goofballs. Withdrawal sucks and we all know that but....what effect does this have on my Christmas intake?

2. Captain Nutty is currentloy coming off the goofballs.....and she comes to visit in 4 days. Me thinks it's time for Floyd to up her intake of her own goofballs.

3. So I told the Consort (Captain Nutty's husband) to "don't buy me any presents, just pay my car payment this month".....surely he wouldn't take me seriously?

4. My cat has started to masturbate. Truly. The cat has consistently woken me up every night this week humping my leg. Yep. The CAT. Seriously concerned....and perhaps just a tad aroused.

5. Do creditors rue the day caller ID was invented? Is Chase named "chase" because they chase your ass down for their money? How many times do they have to call before they figure out that you ain't answering the damn phone?

6. I owe the POD $60 in back allowance. Surely, she doesn't know how to report to credit bureaus? Right?

7. I read a note that a friend of POD's gave her (don't judge me! it was sitting on the counter - fair game!). It speaks of the POD picturing her boyfriend "giving it to her beautifully". I'm sure he's speaking of a nicely wrapped and age appropriate Christmas gift. Right? RIGHT?

8. This country still supports forced sterilization. Right? RIGHT?

9. Since it's the holiday season, I think I can consistently begin drinking at 10 am without much fear of reprisal or forced institutionalization. Who are we kidding? Some time in rehab might be a lovely vacation.....of course, unless they sent Captain Nutty with me.

10. Okay, riddle me this - I drink, I get drunk and my nose turns bright red. Rudolph? Reddest damn nose known to man. But not only does no one call him an alcoholic, they even let the little fucker drive! Fair? I think not.

I've Got Your Roasting Chestnuts Right Here*

*Alternative titles: "I'm Going To Shove That Mistletoe Up
Your Ass" or "Nobody Puts Out A Little Kettle And Rings A Bell For Me"

Yes, I'm here and No, I don't want to talk about it. I will ignore my abscence and present what I hope to become an annual tradition....


Things Floyd Really Hates About Christmas

1. Family coming to visit

2. Family coming to visit and having to talk to them

3. Family coming to visit while you have no money and are trying to sell your house and have to talk to them about having no money and trying to sell your house

4. Leaving with said visiting family to go visit more fucking family

5. Visiting said more fucking family and having to sleep on fold-out cot at foot of parents' bed

6. Being 35 years old, rather wide in stature and having to sleep on said fold-out cot

7. Knowing in advance that Captain Nutty will completely disregard ALL of the things mentioned that I want for Christmas and will buy whatever suits her whimsy (here's a hint - Captain Nutty asked "Have you been by Lane Bryant lately?" - and for the record, nothing against Laney but I have not yet reached that proportion yet)

8. Preparing for the POD to be all wonky during said visit with said fucking family and then having to constantly discuss the status of POD's mental health (but who can really blame her - Floyd wishes she could act up as well)

9. Trying to figure out the proper ratio of how many drinks I can have to make Christmas Eve tolerable in proportion to how many drinks I can have to not throw up on Christman morning

10. Having to fake smile my way through this whole crap-a-rama....bah humbug.

Next post: What Floyd Loves About Christmas (might be a short one)

Sausage In Your Stuffing? Just Say No

*Am I the only who giggles upon reading "sausage in your stuffing? I hear Beavis laughing every time.

So it's the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I'm working due to my "absolutely will not work on Friday after Thanksgiving"....that'll learn 'em.

I have visited the office bathroom a grand total of 4 times due to some mild intestinal distress. FOUR TIMES! IN TWO HOURS! I'm rather proud. Since I cooked Thanksgiving dinner, I hope I haven't killed anyone.

Turkeys are supposed to bleed a little bit when you cut into them, right? Right?

Soooooo....yeah....no more sausage in my stuffing (Beavis: "huh...huh....she said "sausage").

More than you wanted to know? Perhaps. More than I felt like sharing? Not so much.

Happy Trichonosis to all!

Stuff THAT In Your Turkey

So maybe I'm a little thankful but perhaps I'm not really thankful for anything and those who think I should be can kiss my cranberry-hating ass.

I'm thankful that I have clients BUT...

I'm not thankful that my last client wanted to know if she could put off her appointment because she had a mystery shopping gig at Hooter's....I kid you not, people. I was beat out by a pair of oversized mammary glands and a chick in panty hose and shorts.

I'm not thankful for the client who just called and asked my legal assistant if I was expecting her to bring in any money for her appointment. Of course not! How silly! I work for free! Keep your money! My mortgage company HATES getting paid on time!

I'm not thankful for the client's psycho wife who called me five times last night on my cell phone. Hey, bitch, I DON'T REPRESENT YOU! And here's a suggestion....when you fax me, you can fax me the whole document, you DO NOT have to fax it one page at at time, you flaming moron!

I am thankful for the POD...BUT.....

I'm not thankful for her little friends who show up in the driveway at 1 am to drop off a porn movie for POD. And yes, it was a "chick flick".

I'm not thankful for her inviting some little friends into the house while I'm not home to do god knows what. I'm fitting her with a chastity belt as we speak.

I am thankful for family....BUT....

Okay, I simply take that one back - not thankful at all. I would like to move to an isolated cabin in Idaho and do my best Unabomber impression.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Have You Ever?

As usual, my lame ass writing technique comes to the rescue of yet another lame ass post. But I suppose lame ass is better than no ass post...

Soooooo....HAVE YOU EVER...

- scratched your ass crack a tad too aggressively and caused some sort of skin separating injury in your cavern?

- decided that if your own personal Captain Nutty NEVER EVER came to see you again, that it still wouldn't be enough to make up for the times she DID visit?

- thought that if you moved out to the boondocks, you would be attacked by lumberjack, flannel loving rednecks with dubious tooth counts and wouldn't be able to find a bar that didn't play country music?

- felt like telling POD's teachers to kiss your dimpled ass and that the daily phone calls reporting her "lack of particpation" are getting to be a bit much? (Here's a hint - YOU'RE THE FUCKING TEACHERS! I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO! YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING DEGREE - USE IT!)

- been on your way to court to represent a drunken stripper for her d.u.i. and had to stop at the local Hardee's for an intestinal emergency?

- after visiting said Hardee's felt really bad cause you knew that what you did to that bathroom was going to cause some minimum wage Hardee's employee to have a really, really bad day?

- wanted to tell the POD that "sure, your guy friends can spend the night" cause they're ALL gay?

- thought that if you were in court nearly as much as you lead your clients to believe, that you might actually be half the attorney they seem to think you are?

- wondered if they could actually arrest you for malpractice? (Now for all my clients who are reading this - don't panic - I'm not committing malpractice - I just tend to freak over some things BUT NOT YOUR CASE - YOUR CASE IS FINE!!!)

- missed Macek really, really bad and worry that the last thing you told him was that you pissed in Lake Lanier?

- wondered if the stretch marks on your ass would eventually join together to make some sort of pattern that you could pass off as an art deco tattoo?

- thought that beer can make everything alright but if it doesn't, you'll be too drunk to give a shit?

- thought "gee, I have nothing cohesive to blog about" but then patted yourself on the back for using the word "cohesive" in your own head?

- wondered if Captain Nutty found your vibrator while snooping through your dresser?

- hoped Captain Nutty found your vibrator while snooping through your dresser? Such a find will send her to church at least 4 days a week to pray for my depraved soul.

- thought that stringing together a bunch of paranoid ramblings might spark the old creative juices?

- chuckled upon hearing "creative juices" and said in your best Beavis and Butthead voice "huh...huh...she said JUICES"?

Ummmm.....yeah....me neither.

Permanent Damage?

So I survived CAPTAIN NUTTY '05 but just barely. Thought I had made it through relatively unscathed until last night.

I'm sound asleep. As far as I can tell, not really dreaming. Suddenly, I'm wide awake and one word comes into my head.

Let me clarify - no images, no sounds, just one word. One word that now has me questioning my sanity because no one really just out of the blue thinks of this word without any type of context. And as far as I can remember, there was NO context.

What word you may ask?

LABIA.

That's right LABIA. I wake up in the middle of the night with a part of the female genitalia on my mind. (And no, NONE of you should google "labia" right now - trust me).

So what the hell does this mean? Who does this? What sort of damage has been done that makes me think of that word in the middle of the night? Couldn't it at least have been "van defrens" or something masculine? Like gonad? Or taint? Or nutsack? Or ballcheese?

NOOOOOOO - IT HAD TO LABIA!

Will now be upping the nightly Tylenol PM intake to 2 tablets every night.

Help Me, Pfizer! I Need You!*

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Sybil's Got Nothing On Me

So I'm not really ignoring you....I can explain. Captain Nutty is visiting. She swooped into town with the Consort and here she sits (the Consort's visit was just a drive-by - he's already back in Chicago).

I would like to be able to explain a little more clearly what this really means but in true Floyd fashion, I feel compelled to make a numbered list to give you a "feel" (or reach-around as the case may be):

1. I have yet to have a conversation with her that didn't end with her crying.

2. Trying to check my messages while I was out of my home office, I called the "don't ever touch this phone because it is my business phone". Captain Nutty answered with a "Hi baby!". Uber-professional.

3. At the all important parent/teacher conference today with ALL of the POD's teachers, Captain Nutty asked the VERY relevant question...."you do like her, don't you? you think she's okay?". Yep...cause these folks really, really want in on our family dynamic and the fact that the POD seems incapable of doing her homework is somehow tied into whether they like her or not.

4. After asking the above question of these teaching professionals, Captain Nutty promptly burst into tears.

5. After eating half a bowl of soup, Captain Nutty started in on the whole "i'm sooooo full, just stuffed! couldn't eat another bite" while I'm sitting across from her inhaling every last drop as if it's the last supper. Next time, I'm going to ask her to just call me fat and get it over with.

6. As of 5:09 p.m. today, Captain Nutty has asked me exactly 84 times if I think the POD is okay. (Apparently the teachers' opinions weren't enough).

7. When she's not asking about the POD's sanity, she's asking about my budget and "exactly how much money do I need" (let's be clear - she doesn't have the money to help but somehow just NEEDS to know). Not a bad question but considering it's been asked and answered about 9 times, it's starting to wear thin.

8. When not worried about the POD, we must worry about her upcoming knee replacement surgery and what I will do if "she doesn't make it". And then she cries again. And no, I haven't REALLY answered that question....it's a no winner.

9. I have been asked 13 times if I am on some type of medication and when I answer "no", I get "well, shouldn't you be?"

10. Her nerves had her so rattled that she threw up in the Super Target bathroom. SUPER TARGET! MY ALL TIME FAVORITE PLACE! WHO THROWS UP IF YOU'RE NOT EVEN DRINKING? WHAT MUST THE SUPER TARGET ASSOCIATES THINK?

I'm going to the Atlanta race this weekend and my mother will wrap up the 10th day of her soul-destroying visit at that time. I hope to be able to recover enough to be funny again one day but who's to say.....who's to say, my friends.

Cultural Sensitivity Starts At Home

So the POD and I are watching Gilmore Girls when there is a scene involving the slightly prissy conceirge. Thus the following exchange:

POD: "Soooo, he's gay, right?"

Floyd: "No, he's French."

POD: "Oh....I see."

That's me....Floyd....doing just a little something to ease world tension. Vive Le France!

Oh, My Aching Balls

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A Tuesday Manifesto

I do hereby proclaim the following to be the tenets upon which I base my moral certainty:

I believe that whoever decided all fat people were tall and therefore made all fat jeans an entire 12 inches too long for the vertically challenged but horizontally endowed should be hung up by his pubic hairs and the object of much ridicule for his fat but woefully short penis. How's them apples, asswipe.

I believe that the Governor of Georgia should be horsewhipped for declaring two days off of school for an anticipated but not occuring gas shortage.

I believe the POD's school should be reduced to rubble for not following such boneheaded edict and forcing me to rise at 6 am in order to cart the POD to the only school open in this damn state.

I belive that if you are stupid, I should be able to charge you double for all legal work and still be able to call you names behind your back. If you let me call you names to your face, I will charge three times as much cause you're probably too stupid to know that three is more than two.

I believe that if a woman is to be President of these here United States, she should not have horse teeth and she most certainly should not be 7 feet tall and look like Geena Davis (who if you notice, doesn't even know how to spell the name Gina correctly).

I believe that if you are my client and you call me on my cell phone more than once a month, I have the right to intentionally throw your case and send your statutory rapist kid to jail. (And guess what, moron? By saying you had sex with 12 year old, you're already guilty - the fact that she recanted don't mean diddly, dumbass)

I believe that even though the world at large believes Captain Nutty's nuttiness will be cured through via a knee replacement, I know better. I know the nuttiness shall continue to bloom and blossom until eventually she puts either POD or me up in a bell tower with an automatic rifle.

I believe that if the POD doesn't learn her basic Biology facts that I will staple her damn flashcards to the back of her hands.

I believe that if the POD utters the word "whatever" one more time, I will staple things to her regardless of her knowledge of Biology.

I believe it should NOT be 85 freaking degrees in the last week of September.

I believe I will wear my boots even though my ankles are sweating cause I can make fall come if I try hard enough.

I believe in slapping other people's children - especially in grocery stores.

I beleive I should stop writing this before I burst a blood vessel in my head.

Okay, I feel better now.